By: Ross Childs
CHICAGO, IL—Get ready to wet your pants with excitement! There’s a talking Raccoon at the Lincoln Park Zoo! The animal, affectionately named “Zippo”, has been dishing out smiles and wonder to visitors every day since his arrival two weeks ago. People just can’t seem to get enough of his cute furry face, his cute fuzzy tale, and his cute endorsement of the Libertarian Party!
Zippo has only been here less than a month, but he’s already become one of the most popular attractions at the Lincoln Park Zoo. “He’s so adorable,” says Abigail, age 10. “He loves snacking on little fruits, cracking open trash cans, and talking about unregulated free market capitalism!” Zippo’s handler, veterinary student Clarence Flaribine, absolutely loves the cuddly creature’s newfound fame. “He keeps trying to get me to listen to Glenn Beck’s podcast.” He is so CUTE! Reportedly, every time Flaribine brings Zippo his food, the raccoon goes on and on about “not wanting a government handout” and then eats the food anyway, chanting, “Gary Johnson 2020” with his mouth full.
We were fortunate enough to get an interview with this natural marvel. The fuzzy, miniature bear was surprisingly conversational once given a delicious peach. When asked how he felt about being an animal celebrity, Zippo responded, “All taxation is left; welfare doubly so. No one should ever need help, and if they do they’re weak. The only worthwhile rights are individual rights! They say I look like a bandit, but the GOVERNMENT is the real thief! If you think about it, the individual is the ultimate minority.” So naive. He is just the cutest! Hard to believe he’s just 3 years old. While Zippo went on about the oppressive nature of gun control, we were unfortunately distracted by his little claw-like paws trying to grip a half-eaten apple. “We all just love him to pieces,” says Megan Reinertsen Ross, Executive Vice President of the Lincoln Park Zoo, “He reminds me of my great uncle, who I hate. If my uncle were as cuddly as Zippo, though, I’d hate him less.”
Officials at the Lincoln Park Zoo say that they are thinking of expanding their “Talking Animals” exhibit to include an anteater who likes to vote democrat, as well as a canary that wants total anarchy.