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Local Man Risks It All On Business Meeting Fart

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2/9/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Earlier this morning, Alan Gardner went into work like he does every morning at Integrated Business Solutions. He had his morning coffee and cigarette, stopped by his cubicle to prepare for the big meeting, and headed to the board room eager to share his newest project. Except today he didn’t have time for one important part of his morning routine. “Normally I like to go hit the bathroom around 9:15 and let that early morning deuce drop faster than our earnings per share did this quarter. Today, I just didn’t have time to prepare for the…

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New Record: 12 Chicago Cars Turn Left After Light Changes Red

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1/31/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Today is one for the record books as more cars made left turns through an intersection, get this, AFTER the light had changed from yellow to red. Only in Chicago could a feat like this be accomplished and boy are we glad to see this record shattered. It all started at the intersection of North, Milwaukee, and Damen where three cars had crept into the intersection, awaiting their chance to turn left. A break in traffic never occurred so they were forced to do what all Chicago residents are: just wait until the light turns red…

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Austin Powers in Goldmember is a Christmas Movie and Nothing You Say Can Disprove This Fact

in Holiday/Movies by

12/25/2016 By: Maximilian Stolte Each and every holiday season families the whole world round get together. We eat, drink, give presents, and most importantly watch classic Christmas movies. A Christmas Story, Elf, Home Alone, and The Grinch all come to mind when one thinks about holiday related cinema, but there’s one that is commonly overlooked: Austin Powers in Goldmember. I know what you’re going to say, so spare me. Just because a movie doesn’t center around holiday related activities does not mean it isn’t a Christmas movie. Let’s look at some of the facts in favor of my claim. In…

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Local Boy Fairly Certain “Uncle” Joe Actually Just Nailing His Mom

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12/17/2016 By: Maximilian Stolte A young boy by the name of Alan Richards has recently had an epiphany that will likely change the way he looks at everything in his life from this point on. He has a sneaking suspicion that his mother has been deceiving him, not just about Santa Clause or saying he is special and can grow up to be anything he wants either. No, Alan’s mother’s deception goes much deeper than that. The man Alan has affectionately called “Uncle Joe” is no more than a suitor knocking upon his mother’s door and ringing upon his mother’s bell. The…

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5th Grader Breaks Up With Tinder Girlfriend He Never Met Through Text

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12/12/2016 By: Ben Gauwitz A central Illinois 5th grader has just broken up with a girl he never met this week on social media. Word Brothel reporters were able to catch up with Jerid Daring in his hometown of Chillicothe, IL to see what caused this irrational decision. Daring has been the focus of a lot of attention in his small town after dating the hottest girl in his class, as well as the class above him in a span of just one month. When asked if he will also pursue the hottest girl in the grade below him, Mr. Daring…

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Are Pacifiers Leading Infants Down a Dangerous Path?

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  By: Maximilian Stolte 11/17/2016 Pacifiers provide a sense of comfort for infants and appeal to their instinct to suck, but what are the ramifications? Many parents use them to sooth their crying babies and help them go to sleep, but what mothers are finding is that they are causing more and more babies to fall into a dangerous lifestyle: rave culture. This has led to what some are calling the infant ecstasy epidemic of 2016. Amy Osbourne, mother of two from Austin, Texas, is creating a movement of mothers against pacifiers in order to quell this outbreak of infantile…

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10 Zoo Animals That Should Have Been Shot Instead Of Cincinnati Gorilla

in Local/Politics/Social by

May 31, 2016 The internet has been rushed with opinion about the fatal shooting of Harambe the silverback gorilla of the Cincinnati Zoo. Whether you believe that the gorilla was a benign caretaker for an otherwise neglected child or that the insane murder monkey was put down justly, we can all agree that these animals should definitely have been shot instead.     10. Anaconda Clearly an anaconda would have been a better death. First of all, they’re spooky and slimy, which is totally gross. Besides that, they can eat people and even animals bigger than themselves. That’s impressive and…

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Drunk Man Beats Record Time On “Cruis’n World”, Convinced He’s Okay To Drive

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Apr. 5, 2016 A Tuscaloosa man by the name of Horace “Bubba” Greeley recently turned the local arcade game community on its head by beating the record time on every level of the popular game “Cruis’n World”. Not only did he break the record times by upwards of 3 seconds on each level, he did it all while he was shitfaced drunk. It was a normal Friday evening. Bubba and his chums were at The Wheelhouse Pub enjoying excess drink and various pub and arcade games. It was there that Bubba found his wheelhouse, arcade driving games. His precision in…

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