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Zuckerberg Releases Nightmarish Trove Of Trump Dick Pics In Failed Attempt To Win Back Public Support

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By: Simon Tessmer PALO ALTO, CA—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has released thousands of photographs of the president’s ugly penis in the hopes of capitalizing on anti-Trump sentiment and improving his public image. Despite tepid, perfunctory support from the Men’s Rights Activism movement, Zuckerberg has earned near-universal criticism and embroiled the globe in debilitating nausea.   “Our data from the past year indicated a widespread interest in Donald Trump’s sexual transgressions,” Zuckerberg explained in his home office. “The terms ‘Trump’ and ‘penis’ appeared in users’ texts, emails, and phone conversations at a markedly increased rate since Stormy Daniels’ book was published.…

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New Transformer Changes From Mustang To 19-Year-Old Talking About His Mustang

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By: Nick Graves Los Angeles, CA — Here we go again! Another member of the alien tech species known around the world as ‘Transformers’ has crash landed on earth. And he’s not even old enough to drink. In his vehicle form he’s a 1976 Mustang, but in his fuck-shit-up and destroy-my-favorite-cafe-in-a-wild-brawl form? He’s a 19 year old named A.J., preferring to be referred to as ‘A.J., the Transformer,’ who likes to talk exclusively about his Musta…himself? A.J. differentiates himself from other Transformers by taking a human form. White, brown hair, floral dress shirt, skinny jeans, and a rude ‘tude. “Look…

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The Five Stages Of Tony Hawk Shattering Your Hymen By Skateboarding Into You At The X Games

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By: Allie Rubin   Denial   It’s perfectly normal to react to Tony Hawk skateboarding into you and shattering your hymen at the X Games with confusion and denial. Try to ground yourself in the present moment. Is Tony Hawk apologizing to you over and over again? Is blood seeping into the white shorts you thought would be cool to wear to the X Games? Is Blink 182 playing in the background? If so, you’re going to have to lie down for a few minutes and try to come to grips with the fact that Tony Hawk has probably just…

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Musk Does A Dolezol, Builds ‘Stefan’ Clone Machine From Family Matters

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By: Jennifer Allman Silicon Valley, CA—As Elon Musk watched Nick at Nite last Tuesday at 3AM, he found himself viewing for the very first time a revolutionary television show. Musk screamed, “Eureka! I’ve got it!” and took this new venture to his twitter feed: “This new TV show just changed my life!” The Boring Company founder may be busy building underground traffic tunnels, dodging libel suits, and joking about releasing a sex tape with ex-partner, Grimes… but, in the meantime, he has a new project under foot. Musk has sworn to create a real version of a fictional cloning machine…

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Art Historians Uncover New Evidence of Picasso’s “Killer Beef Robot” Period

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By: Allie Rubin NEW YORK, NY—Describing it as one of “the most significant finds in all of art history,” MoMA curator Lawrence Thomason announced Wednesday that recently unearthed paintings from Pablo Picasso’s estate have indicated that the famed artist indulged in a previously unknown artistic period, which has been classified by historians as his “Killer Beef Robot Period.” “The work that Picasso produced over his nearly eighty years of creative output can be categorized into several well-known periods, including the Blue Period, Rose Period, and Cubism Period,” Thomason told reporters at a press conference announcing the find. “However, our work…

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Helpful Tips To Avoid Brendan Fraser In 2019

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By: Ross Childs HOLLYWOOD, CA—It’s finally 2019. The perils and pitfalls of 2018 are now in the past and there’s nothing to do, but look to the fut–wait, do you hear that? That faint cat-like rustling in those Sycamore trees? Oh no…oh NO! It’s…it’s…nothing! But, it easily could have been Brendan Fraser. Hello, my name is Artfeld Grumbleflorp. I used to be Brendan Fraser’s agent, but, now I spend my days tracking, trapping, and distracting the elusive actor. In the last year, Brendan Fraser has been spotted two dozen times, and those are only the ones that have been confirmed.…

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Papa John CEO Still Following Peyton Manning, Others Around Despite Firing

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By: Andy Frye DENVER, CO — It’s been a rough go for former Papa John’s former CEO John H. Schnatter. Months after being fired by the company he founded in 1984,  the former executive has a lot of time on his hands. The word around both Corporate America and the National Football League is that Schnatter has been following some of his former company’s pitchmen. “John’s a great guy, we go way back,” says J.J. Watt, a four-time NFL All-Pro defensive end with the Houston Texas. Watt said he’s seen Schnatter a bunch of times walking outside NRG Stadium, his…

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Music Festival Lineup Confused For Grocery List

in Entertainment/Food/Drink/Local/Music by

By: Maximilian Stolte AUSTIN, TX—Local newlywed and avid concert attendee Matthew Puhr went to his neighborhood Save-A-Lot yesterday morning to provide sustenance to himself and his beautiful bride Alice. Armed with his new joint account debit card and what he thought was a grocery list from under a magnet on his fridge, he was ready to complete his first errand as a husband. It was only after several blank stares from employees that he realized he had mistaken a music festival lineup for his grocery list. “At first I thought it was kind of funny that Alice had put such…

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Kasvot Växt Inducted Into Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame

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By: Maximilian Stolte CLEVELAND, OH—After decades of living only in obscurity, Scandinavian prog rock band Kasvot Växt has earned their rightful place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Their recent surge in popularity can be credited partly to Phish, who covered their album (to the best of their ability) on Halloween in Las Vegas. However, it was sampling of and references to their songs in Kanye West, Ariana Grande, and Post Malone tracks that catapulted the band to becoming a household name in recent years. For Lincolnville, Maine selectman and muumuu wearing percussionist Jon Fishman, this was a…

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5 Picturesque Zip Lines That Will Bust Your Hymen

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By: Josie Benedetti Sick of the cold and showing your visible signs of virginity? These 5 picturesque zip line attractions will get you out of your winter hibernation mindset and take your v-card all in one fell swoop. The Gravity Canyon in Taihape, New Zealand will break that vaginal membrane open like a middle schooler using a tampon for the first time.   There’s nothing like the rush of flying 328 feet above the Cambodian jungle, knowing that you’re finally a woman.   Your gynecologist won’t believe how tan you look after coming back from Mexico with a new sense…

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