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Art Historians Uncover New Evidence of Picasso’s “Killer Beef Robot” Period

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By: Allie Rubin NEW YORK, NY—Describing it as one of “the most significant finds in all of art history,” MoMA curator Lawrence Thomason announced Wednesday that recently unearthed paintings from Pablo Picasso’s estate have indicated that the famed artist indulged in a previously unknown artistic period, which has been classified by historians as his “Killer Beef Robot Period.” “The work that Picasso produced over his nearly eighty years of creative output can be categorized into several well-known periods, including the Blue Period, Rose Period, and Cubism Period,” Thomason told reporters at a press conference announcing the find. “However, our work…

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Helpful Tips To Avoid Brendan Fraser In 2019

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By: Ross Childs HOLLYWOOD, CA—It’s finally 2019. The perils and pitfalls of 2018 are now in the past and there’s nothing to do, but look to the fut–wait, do you hear that? That faint cat-like rustling in those Sycamore trees? Oh no…oh NO! It’s…it’s…nothing! But, it easily could have been Brendan Fraser. Hello, my name is Artfeld Grumbleflorp. I used to be Brendan Fraser’s agent, but, now I spend my days tracking, trapping, and distracting the elusive actor. In the last year, Brendan Fraser has been spotted two dozen times, and those are only the ones that have been confirmed.…

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Papa John CEO Still Following Peyton Manning, Others Around Despite Firing

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By: Andy Frye DENVER, CO — It’s been a rough go for former Papa John’s former CEO John H. Schnatter. Months after being fired by the company he founded in 1984,  the former executive has a lot of time on his hands. The word around both Corporate America and the National Football League is that Schnatter has been following some of his former company’s pitchmen. “John’s a great guy, we go way back,” says J.J. Watt, a four-time NFL All-Pro defensive end with the Houston Texas. Watt said he’s seen Schnatter a bunch of times walking outside NRG Stadium, his…

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5 Celebrity Beards To Ovulate All Over

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By: Josie Benedetti Winter is coming and so are we. Beards are back in season and as these sexy celebs cover their baby faces, we’re uncovering our deep biological need to have their babies! John Krasinski’s scruffy look from ‘A Quiet Place’ is making us scream! Nothing says ‘stable father figure’ like a man who can rock an Eddie Bauer sweater and tend to a quaint post-apocalyptic farm, plus you know he’ll stick around to make you breakfast in the morning! I, for one, will take these eggs with a side of fresh, hot sperm!   They say the human…

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Roseanne Barr To Reprise Racist ‘Character’ At Thanksgivings This Week

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By: Andy Frye The once-embattled 1980s comedienne Roseanne Barr is about to make a name for herself again. Hoping to capitalize on America’s rising family drama trends, and the very popular “Trump supporter relative” stock role at Thanksgiving last year, Barr has decided to embark on a nationwide tour this week to bring her controversial brand of humor directly to your family’s dinner table. Barr announced the tour this week, stating publicly, “C U at dinner, bitches!” while calling herself “Aunt Ambien” and “Tofurky liberals’ worst nightmare” via her Twitter account. Ms. Barr’s agent, Anson Heedler, says that former star…

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Best Of Johnny Carson DVD Box Set Infomercial Tops Late Night Ratings

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By: Mike Anichini BURBANK, CA—There’s a new king of late night, baby. Nielsen ratings for the week of Nov. 12th reveal the paid advertisement featuring the ‘Best Of The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson’ DVD box set surged to the top in viewership, beating Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers and others.   “It’s hard, he’s still the king,” said Colbert. “This infomercial snuck up on us, but it rules.” Ticking up from its previous 0.51 to a 0.53 rating in adults 18-49, the long-running Time Life ad has captured a new audience in younger millennials ages 18-26.…

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Marvel Already Announcing Stan Lee Reboot

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By: Darren D. Daly Unwilling to let a franchise die, even in the midst of Stan Lee’s passing, Walt Disney subsidiary, Marvel Studios, has made a major announcement about the future of its biggest moneymaker. Rather than taking a minute to mourn, they have instead released a teaser poster for the reboot of the beloved creator of such iconic characters as Spider-Man, The Hulk, and Mr. Candelabra. Working under the title Stan Lee: Again, indie movie writer/director Bo Burnham has already penned the first draft of Lee that producers are predicting will be the year’s best source of money. President…

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Guy Singing Meatloaf At Karaoke Might Actually Be Meatloaf

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By: Jack Hutsey EDWARDSVILLE, IL—Chatters Bar and Grill in Edwardsville, IL has been the home of “Conceal and Karaoke” Thursdays for the past eight years. Patrons run the gamut of typical karaoke songs from Whitney Houston to Journey to Taylor Swift to the occasional Radiohead (Jeremiah Wheatley absolutely slays Paranoid Android). This past Thursday, the Chatters crowd was served with something categorically different. “Some guy was up there. He did a decent job with ​Paradise by the Dashboard Light​,” Ann Krankenheit said, who usually sticks to falsetto Beyonce. “But then he just stayed up there.” The mystery singer sang five…

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Fearless Council Of Male Comedians Forgive Louis C.K.

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By: Allie Rubin A group of brave, handsome male comedians convened a press conference following Louis C.K.’s surprise stand-up set at the Comedy Cellar on Monday to announce that they had finally deemed the comedian, 50, worthy of their forgiveness. “Too long has the world been deprived of Louis C.K.’s unique voice,” announced Josh Robertson, 28, who performs on the all-male Chicago indie improv team ‘Prostitots.’ “We believe that Louis’s nine months spent traveling in Europe have been adequate punishment for his minor indiscretions. We have carefully considered the situation and are thrilled to announce, on behalf of all male…

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Real Men Love Jesus, This Is Jesus

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By: Devin Nevers There are countless ways to discern what makes a guy a real man. Metrics like bench pressing, muskiness, and ball size are some of the easiest ways to separate the authentic from the fraudulent. But even if a guy with gigantic testicles comes strutting into your home gym and pulls  200 pounds of resistance weight on your Bowflex, it’s still quite possible that he isn’t a REAL man. The only way to tell if a dude is the real deal for sure is if he loves Jesus. It’s just a fact, real men love Jesus. They’re just…

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