Which Rick Moranis are YOU? [QUIZ]
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Notorious Rascal Pete Davidson Simultaneously Dating Every SNL Cast Member
By: Simon Tessmer NEW YORK– Saturday Night Live actor and comedian Pete Davidson, famous for dating mega celebrities and crossing boundaries with his comedy, is romantically involved with every current SNL cast member simultaneously. After ending his engagement with Ariana Grande and being spotted around New York City with Kate Beckinsale, for Davidson dating all his coworkers at the same time was very much, “the next logical step.” “I don’t know what to tell you man, they’re all super hot and obviously hilarious,” said Davidson in the Comedy Cellar green room. “Things started getting frisky between me and Beck, Kenan…
Soderbergh Announces Upcoming Project Shot Entirely On Ford Fiesta Backup Camera
By: Simon Tessmer LOS ANGELES, CA—Director Steven Soderbergh, hot off the production of two iPhone shot films, has announced his upcoming project will be filmed entirely on the backup camera of a Ford Fiesta. Famous for challenging himself and pushing the boundaries of indie cinema, the director’s period drama Shadows of the Fallen began shooting early this week and is slated for release next year. “I used an iPhone to push myself further after mastering being my own cinematographer and editor, but the high wore off quicker than I anticipated,” remarked Soderbergh after his first day of filming. “I knew…
Zuckerberg Releases Nightmarish Trove Of Trump Dick Pics In Failed Attempt To Win Back Public Support
By: Simon Tessmer PALO ALTO, CA—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has released thousands of photographs of the president’s ugly penis in the hopes of capitalizing on anti-Trump sentiment and improving his public image. Despite tepid, perfunctory support from the Men’s Rights Activism movement, Zuckerberg has earned near-universal criticism and embroiled the globe in debilitating nausea. “Our data from the past year indicated a widespread interest in Donald Trump’s sexual transgressions,” Zuckerberg explained in his home office. “The terms ‘Trump’ and ‘penis’ appeared in users’ texts, emails, and phone conversations at a markedly increased rate since Stormy Daniels’ book was published.…
The Five Stages Of Tony Hawk Shattering Your Hymen By Skateboarding Into You At The X Games
By: Allie Rubin Denial It’s perfectly normal to react to Tony Hawk skateboarding into you and shattering your hymen at the X Games with confusion and denial. Try to ground yourself in the present moment. Is Tony Hawk apologizing to you over and over again? Is blood seeping into the white shorts you thought would be cool to wear to the X Games? Is Blink 182 playing in the background? If so, you’re going to have to lie down for a few minutes and try to come to grips with the fact that Tony Hawk has probably just…
Musk Does A Dolezol, Builds ‘Stefan’ Clone Machine From Family Matters
By: Jennifer Allman Silicon Valley, CA—As Elon Musk watched Nick at Nite last Tuesday at 3AM, he found himself viewing for the very first time a revolutionary television show. Musk screamed, “Eureka! I’ve got it!” and took this new venture to his twitter feed: “This new TV show just changed my life!” The Boring Company founder may be busy building underground traffic tunnels, dodging libel suits, and joking about releasing a sex tape with ex-partner, Grimes… but, in the meantime, he has a new project under foot. Musk has sworn to create a real version of a fictional cloning machine…
Art Historians Uncover New Evidence of Picasso’s “Killer Beef Robot” Period
By: Allie Rubin NEW YORK, NY—Describing it as one of “the most significant finds in all of art history,” MoMA curator Lawrence Thomason announced Wednesday that recently unearthed paintings from Pablo Picasso’s estate have indicated that the famed artist indulged in a previously unknown artistic period, which has been classified by historians as his “Killer Beef Robot Period.” “The work that Picasso produced over his nearly eighty years of creative output can be categorized into several well-known periods, including the Blue Period, Rose Period, and Cubism Period,” Thomason told reporters at a press conference announcing the find. “However, our work…
Helpful Tips To Avoid Brendan Fraser In 2019
By: Ross Childs HOLLYWOOD, CA—It’s finally 2019. The perils and pitfalls of 2018 are now in the past and there’s nothing to do, but look to the fut–wait, do you hear that? That faint cat-like rustling in those Sycamore trees? Oh no…oh NO! It’s…it’s…nothing! But, it easily could have been Brendan Fraser. Hello, my name is Artfeld Grumbleflorp. I used to be Brendan Fraser’s agent, but, now I spend my days tracking, trapping, and distracting the elusive actor. In the last year, Brendan Fraser has been spotted two dozen times, and those are only the ones that have been confirmed.…
Papa John CEO Still Following Peyton Manning, Others Around Despite Firing
By: Andy Frye DENVER, CO — It’s been a rough go for former Papa John’s former CEO John H. Schnatter. Months after being fired by the company he founded in 1984, the former executive has a lot of time on his hands. The word around both Corporate America and the National Football League is that Schnatter has been following some of his former company’s pitchmen. “John’s a great guy, we go way back,” says J.J. Watt, a four-time NFL All-Pro defensive end with the Houston Texas. Watt said he’s seen Schnatter a bunch of times walking outside NRG Stadium, his…
5 Celebrity Beards To Ovulate All Over
By: Josie Benedetti Winter is coming and so are we. Beards are back in season and as these sexy celebs cover their baby faces, we’re uncovering our deep biological need to have their babies! John Krasinski’s scruffy look from ‘A Quiet Place’ is making us scream! Nothing says ‘stable father figure’ like a man who can rock an Eddie Bauer sweater and tend to a quaint post-apocalyptic farm, plus you know he’ll stick around to make you breakfast in the morning! I, for one, will take these eggs with a side of fresh, hot sperm! They say the human…