By: Madeleine Russel
Washington, DC – Sunday night the streets of the nation’s capital rang with the dawning of a New Year. Bars, clubs and homes enjoyed a rare celebratory evening away from their daily fools errand keeping the Trump ship afloat.
White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said of his bare bones, scandal wary employees, “The President’s staff was given this night off to go drop the ball somewhere else.” It’s only merciful after a full year of what has amounted to a group of 6th graders throwing a ball on top of the roof instead of playing soccer. “Wait…who am I talking to? Are you press?” Kelly remarked after realizing that he was standing at the podium of the press room in front of a full room of White House correspondents.
But deep within the White House structure President Trump hosted a party of one to celebrate the closing of 2017. With Melania hundreds, perhaps thousands of miles away, Trump’s lone silhouette was discovered at midnight in a basement room leaning face first against a mirror – kissing his own reflection.
The scene was discovered by a Secret Service member, “When I opened the door I saw dozens of McDonald’s wrappers and containers on the floor. Like he had maybe been using that room like some kind of fort or hideout? Then there he was…just going to town on that mirror.”
The alleged discovery of the leader of the free world making out with his own image has added more National concern for the president’s already notorious mental imbalance. When reached for comment the White House Communications Director, Hope Hicks responded, “That’s not uncommon. The other day Donald cut himself at dinner because he locked eyes with himself in the shiny part of a steak knife and couldn’t resist frenching. But no one noticed because they thought the blood was ketchup.”