By: Allie Rubin
It’s perfectly normal to react to Tony Hawk skateboarding into you and shattering your hymen at the X Games with confusion and denial. Try to ground yourself in the present moment. Is Tony Hawk apologizing to you over and over again? Is blood seeping into the white shorts you thought would be cool to wear to the X Games? Is Blink 182 playing in the background? If so, you’re going to have to lie down for a few minutes and try to come to grips with the fact that Tony Hawk has probably just shattered your hymen by skateboarding into you at the X Games.
Once you’ve come to grips with the fact that Tony Hawk has shattered your hymen by skateboarding into you at the X Games, you’re probably going to feel pretty angry! Give yourself plenty of time to let the anger subside. Remind yourself that Tony Hawk wasn’t trying to puncture the thin membrane symbolizing your womanhood; he was just trying to land a bitchin’ kickflip. As you start to calm down, keep in mind that the more times you call Tony Hawk “a fucking wienerface,” the less likely it is that his entourage will let you take home a signed copy of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 in exchange for not suing him.
Why did Tony Hawk skateboard into your hymen? Couldn’t Tony Hawk have skateboarded into someone else’s hymen? The third stage of having Tony Hawk shatter your hymen by skateboarding into you at the X Games is always bargaining. Whether you’re begging God to restore your hymen to its original intact condition or begging Tony Hawk’s PR people to leave you in the half pipe where you’ve been lying in a pool of hymen blood, try not to let yourself get frustrated with the fact that your hymen is now as long-gone as Tony Hawk’s chances of moving forward in the X Games tournament.
Once you’ve been skateboarded into by Tony Hawk and felt your hymen pay the ultimate price, the next feeling that’s going to set in is a deep depression. You may have trouble engaging in activities that used to bring you joy, like watching Tony Hawk do an ollie or thinking fondly about all the good times you’ve had with your intact hymen. It’s important to be kind to yourself during this stage, even when the crowd around you is demanding that you stop ruining the X Games with your deep, wailing sobs. If you need more support, try reaching out to your other friends who have had their hymens shattered by Tony Hawk skateboarding into them at previous X Games. And remember: you will get through this!
The final stage of having Tony Hawk shatter your hymen by skateboarding into you at the X Games is accepting that Tony Hawk has indeed shattered your hymen by skateboarding into you at the X Games. Take some time to reflect on the new changes in your body and enjoy the partial refund you’ve been given by the organizers of the X Games. And remember: even though Tony Hawk may have just slammed into your hymen like a hot sledgehammer slicing cleanly through a piñata, soon you’ll be all healed up and ready for the Winter X Games!