Kanye Converts Sunday Service Choir Into Satanic Hexing Ritual Aimed At Pete Davidson
LOS ANGELES, CA—Starting this Sunday, Kanye’s weekly gospel show is transforming into a group ceremony wherein artists and a congregation of Satan worshippers will attempt to put a hex on comedian Pete Davidson. Best known as SNL’s youngest hired cast member and biggest pussy hound, he’s now better known for stealing West’s woman, Kim Kardashian, and pissing off the greatest musical genius known to mankind in the process.
The ritual will be performed weekly until one of the hex’s effects have taken hold of Davidson’s everlasting and soon to be tortured soul. A list of the desired effects include:
1. Having his penis disappear or at least be made very small
2. Extreme sickness like cancer or AIDS
3. Every time he closes his eyes to sleep, he sees his dad’s final moments before dying at the World Trade Center on 9/11 with audio of him saying, “Well at least I don’t have to watch my shitty disappointment of a son grow up.”
Kanye had some thoughts about the drastic changes to his Sunday schedule. “I used to be into God, but what kind of God would let this happen? To me of all people! I’m better at rapping than God anyway. Fuck him, I’m gonna take matters into my own hands.”
So far the group’s plan is to cut the penis off of voodoo dolls fitted with Pete’s headshot and a strand of hair from a wig purchased on eBay that he once wore in a sketch. If you have any better ideas or an ass that would put Kim K’s to shame, he asks that you DM him personally on Instagram or Twitter.