By: Maximilian Stolte
Chicago, IL—Early this morning, in a brave defiance of gender norms, local woman Anne Washington started her day with one goal in mind: to be a creepy, degenerate asshole to every guy she came in contact with. Starting as early as her morning commute, her awkward advances towards strangers with strong sexual undertones earned her grade A pervert status amongst her peers.
Once on the train, passengers reported her leering at men’s crotches and backsides and saying obscenities that only a real sicko sex freak could conjure up. A local man, who wished to remain anonymous, reported that she initiated conversation with him while he had his headphones in. She was insistent that he take them out so she could verbally accost him, saying, “Hey sugar dick. Did you bring your snorkel? Because mama done sprung a leak!”
At work, Anne continued to obliterate societal expectations and resumed her onslaught of sexual harassment on unsuspecting male employees. “I’m a queen, your face is my throne, and your highness needs a seat,” she whispered into the ears of men in their cubicles after sneaking up behind them. Pressing her breasts against their necks and breathing heavily, Anne absolutely destroyed the patriarchy through her devil may care attitude and complete lack of respect for people’s boundaries.
“It was pretty easy to make the change,” commented Anne on the evening of her first day as a bonafide douchebag. “I just stopped seeing men as people and starting saying whatever I wanted without worrying about consequences,” she said, winking and lightly tapping the penis of this reporter through his pants.
It’s 2019 and women are fighting now more than ever for equality with men. Anne’s brave choice to act as a gross sexual predator just goes to show how far we’ve come as a society. No longer will gender stereotypes keep women from achieving their absolute worst.