Suicide Bombers On Strike For Dental Care

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Feb. 16, 2016

With presidential elections coming up, the need to keep Americans in constant fear gets put on the back burner, thus ISIS has been relatively absent in the mainstream news. That doesn’t mean that the terrorists haven’t been up to anything radical. The suicide bombers of ISIS have unionized and are suspending self-exploding operations until they receive the benefits that they deserve.

Suicide bomber Yusuf Al Bayati told reporters, “Our job is very dangerous. We take extreme risks for the good of our organization and we expect them to take care of us. I heard some people doing my job have actually lost their life.” Yusuf went on to say, “We need dental care! Just look at Rahim. His teeth are as crooked as the morals of an American infidel subhuman piece of scum! Muhammad needs a root canal very badly too.”

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has found himself in quite a pickle. He commented during a press release, “It’s hard enough to find people that are willing to blast themselves in the name of Allah, from whom all blessings flow. With the job market flourishing in Iraq since the fall of Hussein, they have options. They can take an office job with a 401k, health, and dental and only risk being blown to bits by one of our brave soldiers.”

Given that the suicide bombers are on strike, ISIS has turned to scabs to fill the void of obliterating the oblivious. There have been mishaps resulting, including a poorly trained strikebreaker accidentally detonating his bomb during a training session, killing 20 ISIS members.

Despite the setback, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has vowed that the terror shall ensue once more, and soon. He did however state, “I’m not going to strap the bombs on myself. I didn’t get an online degree in jihad studies from University of Phoenix just to get an entry level, minimum wage position like that. I mean, they get 37% less virgins than their gun-toting co-workers.”

While ISIS may be temporarily shutting down operations due to lack of willing participants, Yusuf told reporters that they were experimenting with new forms of terrorism. One new tactic for instilling fear into the hearts of westerners is putting seaweed at the bottom of public pools so that it touches unsuspecting people’s feet and makes them feel icky.  Another tactic he was at liberty to discuss was yelling “fire” in crowded buildings. He refused to comment further as he was beheaded for telling reporters the aforementioned terrorist tactics.