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Scientists Discover There Still Time To Save Planet From Global Warming For A Few Really Rich People

Politics/Science by

By: Danny Neary LOS ANGELES, CA—After years of bad news surrounding the current climate change crisis scientists believe there may finally be a reason to feel hopeful. This week University of California Los Angeles discovered that, despite the severity of the climate change situation, there may still be time to save the planet from global warming for Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and all your other favorite really rich people. Previously, scientists had believed that the only hope for the planet was to massively change our society, restrict capitalism, and penalize the corporations responsible for the destruction of our planet. However,…

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Seven Times Kevin Costner Was In Field Of Dreams

By: Allie Rubin Wow! With the classic baseball flick Field of Dreams celebrating its 20th anniversary this year, there’s no better time to honor Kevin Costner for his home-run work as its main character, Larry Dreams. We here at Word Brothel have definitely seen Field of Dreams and are excited to honor it. Without further ado: seven times Kevin Costner was in Field of Dreams! The time he was suspicious in a cornfield Everyone remembers this classic part of Field of Dreams, where Kevin Costner looks suspicious around corn, his least favorite government-subsidized crop! Fun fact: Kevin Costner specifically requested…

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Employee Late To Meeting Still Delaying Agenda With Excessive Apology

Business/Local by

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Accounting manager Mark Stevens arrived fifteen minutes late to his company’s Tuesday morning staff meeting and is still delaying its agenda with his excessive apology. Though Stevens’ fellow Razor Marketing employees generally agreed his lateness was not a big deal, the 47 year-old team member’s marathon apology has stretched into its second day, resulting in a continued colossal dive in company productivity and morale.   Stevens’ initial excuse for being tardy was “perfectly reasonable” according to sales associate Lisa Beasley. “He said ‘traffic was bad,’ we all shrugged, and our boss Jen started her quarterly earnings…

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New $89 Million Dollar F-35 Stealth Fighter Lost Somewhere In Hangar

By: Jack Ritchey ANDREWS AFB—Surrounded by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and an impish air of embarrassment, Air Force Master Sergeant Dana Longenecker announced this morning at a press conference that the US military’s brand new $89 million dollar Boeing F-35 stealth fighter jet was lost somewhere in one of the hangars. Sergeant Longenecker noted that the jet, which is capable of zero-gravity maneuvers at mach-5 speed and is completely invisible when the stealth mode is engaged, was parked by an intern. She went on to explain that this is why nobody seems to know exactly where it is right…

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Narcissist Pretty Sure Therapist Wants To Bang

Health/Local/Social by

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Following a series of destructively selfish social misinterpretations, local narcissist Linda Johnson is pretty sure her therapist Ron Blacksmith wants to bang. All the signals are there, and though she’d never make the first move, she wishes Ron would cut the obvious tension and take her right there in his office. “He recommended temporary sexual abstinence to ‘figure myself out,’ but it’s just an excuse to me all to himself” said Linda. “Why else would a grown man who exudes such undeniable attraction give me that order?” Indeed, Dr. Blacksmith taunts Linda by wearing baby-blue cardigans,…

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