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Musk Does A Dolezol, Builds ‘Stefan’ Clone Machine From Family Matters

By: Jennifer Allman Silicon Valley, CA—As Elon Musk watched Nick at Nite last Tuesday at 3AM, he found himself viewing for the very first time a revolutionary television show. Musk screamed, “Eureka! I’ve got it!” and took this new venture to his twitter feed: “This new TV show just changed my life!” The Boring Company founder may be busy building underground traffic tunnels, dodging libel suits, and joking about releasing a sex tape with ex-partner, Grimes… but, in the meantime, he has a new project under foot. Musk has sworn to create a real version of a fictional cloning machine…

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Art Historians Uncover New Evidence of Picasso’s “Killer Beef Robot” Period

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By: Allie Rubin NEW YORK, NY—Describing it as one of “the most significant finds in all of art history,” MoMA curator Lawrence Thomason announced Wednesday that recently unearthed paintings from Pablo Picasso’s estate have indicated that the famed artist indulged in a previously unknown artistic period, which has been classified by historians as his “Killer Beef Robot Period.” “The work that Picasso produced over his nearly eighty years of creative output can be categorized into several well-known periods, including the Blue Period, Rose Period, and Cubism Period,” Thomason told reporters at a press conference announcing the find. “However, our work…

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Helpful Tips To Avoid Brendan Fraser In 2019

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By: Ross Childs HOLLYWOOD, CA—It’s finally 2019. The perils and pitfalls of 2018 are now in the past and there’s nothing to do, but look to the fut–wait, do you hear that? That faint cat-like rustling in those Sycamore trees? Oh no…oh NO! It’s…it’s…nothing! But, it easily could have been Brendan Fraser. Hello, my name is Artfeld Grumbleflorp. I used to be Brendan Fraser’s agent, but, now I spend my days tracking, trapping, and distracting the elusive actor. In the last year, Brendan Fraser has been spotted two dozen times, and those are only the ones that have been confirmed.…

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Some Guy Just Walked In And Yelled “It’s Cold Out There” To No One In Particular

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By: Mike Anichini CHICAGO, IL—Last Friday at Hordy’s Pub in the Avondale neighborhood of Chicago, a boisterous crowd was reportedly riding a surge of good vibes and rising camaraderie. Cozy friends were singing in swaying circles, and with rounds of eggnog and shots flying, staff and patron alike were having a special experience they’d potentially remember forever. That’s when it happened. “This guy in a huge parka burst through the door and yelled, ‘It’s cold out there!’” said Bron Hanson, owner of Hordy’s Pub. “It was weird because he was alone and wasn’t looking at anyone when he said it.…

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Papa John CEO Still Following Peyton Manning, Others Around Despite Firing

By: Andy Frye DENVER, CO — It’s been a rough go for former Papa John’s former CEO John H. Schnatter. Months after being fired by the company he founded in 1984,  the former executive has a lot of time on his hands. The word around both Corporate America and the National Football League is that Schnatter has been following some of his former company’s pitchmen. “John’s a great guy, we go way back,” says J.J. Watt, a four-time NFL All-Pro defensive end with the Houston Texas. Watt said he’s seen Schnatter a bunch of times walking outside NRG Stadium, his…

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Music Festival Lineup Confused For Grocery List

By: Maximilian Stolte AUSTIN, TX—Local newlywed and avid concert attendee Matthew Puhr went to his neighborhood Save-A-Lot yesterday morning to provide sustenance to himself and his beautiful bride Alice. Armed with his new joint account debit card and what he thought was a grocery list from under a magnet on his fridge, he was ready to complete his first errand as a husband. It was only after several blank stares from employees that he realized he had mistaken a music festival lineup for his grocery list. “At first I thought it was kind of funny that Alice had put such…

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Wendy’s Unveils New ‘Hangover Obliteration’ Menu for New Year’s Day

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By: Ross Childs   ANYTOWN, USA — New Year’s Eve, the biggest party of the year shook America last night and so is the world-beating hangover that inevitably followed today. But put that Pedialyte down! Don’t reach for the ginger ale! Fast Food giant and salt magnate Wendy’s has unveiled the new “Hangover Obliteration Menu” to be released January 1, 2019. The famous restaurant says the items presented in this catalogue of cholesterol are guaranteed to smother even the most debilitating of post-party brain pains with the perfect combo of grease, salt, and nostalgia for that mongoose-ridden burger joint you…

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Local Boy’s Handmade Ornament Makes Tree Look Like Shit

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By: Maximilian Stolte BILLINGS, MT—This Christmas Day, the Sullivan family congregated at the home of Patrick, Kelly, and sons Luke and David. Their home was beautifully decorated, not too gaudy and overdone as cousins Mark and Linda tend to do. Sticking out like a sore thumb however was young Luke’s handmade ornament from school that looked like complete garbage and, quite frankly, ruined Christmas. The boy’s aunt Sheryl was the first to point it out. Per usual her observational blurting out sparked the controversy that would obliterate the spirit of the holiday. “These decorations are awe inspiring, but this one…

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Kasvot Växt Inducted Into Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame

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By: Maximilian Stolte CLEVELAND, OH—After decades of living only in obscurity, Scandinavian prog rock band Kasvot Växt has earned their rightful place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Their recent surge in popularity can be credited partly to Phish, who covered their album (to the best of their ability) on Halloween in Las Vegas. However, it was sampling of and references to their songs in Kanye West, Ariana Grande, and Post Malone tracks that catapulted the band to becoming a household name in recent years. For Lincolnville, Maine selectman and muumuu wearing percussionist Jon Fishman, this was a…

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Sad Sack On Bus Reading Actual Newspaper Like It’s 1922 Or Some Shit

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By: Jack Ritchey ST. LOUIS, MO—Half-questioning if he had just seen some sort of time-traveling Great Gatsby situation, downtown resident Chris Bora reportedly witnessed an old man riding the bus today who was reading an actual newspaper. A real, physical one. With ink on it and like cartoons ads and stuff. Like it’s 1922. “Wait, does he know that stuff happened yesterday?” asked an understandably confused Bora, adding, “there’s newer information literally in the palm of my hand right now, why is he looking at wrapping paper?” Bora then received a CNN notification about the Mueller investigation and exclaimed “See?…

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