Red States Across America Cool With Both Types Of Child Labor  

Red States Across America Cool With Both Types Of Child Labor  

By: Max Stolte

“UNITED” STATES—Republican lawmakers across America are pushing to rollback child labor laws and reproductive rights, already resulting in serious injury on the job and a 10-year-old forced to give birth. From the hospital delivery room to delivering Amazon packages it’s never been quicker and easier for kids to grow up in America. Red states have made it clear that they’re cool with children in labor two ways and are hoping runaway teens and couples expecting children will start flocking.

“Look, children want to have gainful employment. They want to work night shifts and go to school during the day. They want to have babies of their own some day. Notice I didn’t say some year? They want to have them now! And now they can, because here they have to,” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders in the latest advertisement for the Arkansas tourism board. 

Lawmakers in these red states are even giving these children an additional week of maternal leave if they get pregnant. That’s 13 whole weeks! Some argue that 13 weeks isn’t nearly enough time to part ways with a newborn baby, but Republican senators and governors argue that by 13-weeks-old these babies should already be working on job applications.

Senator Rich Draheim of Minnesota says, “There are plenty of things children as young as 6 months can do for corporations in this time of economic downturn. Car parts that need expensive lubricants can be used as pacifiers and baby drool can act as a free replacement.” Other lawmakers believe infants can also replace coal mine canaries, which have too many protections thanks to animal rights lobbyists. 

If children are going to have children of their own, it is irresponsible and morally reprehensible to deny them access to jobs to pay for those children (the children of the children). Thankfully Republicans have their tiny backs and belly bumps covered, but not through health insurance or anything. 

It’s important to note that while they are rolling back what were previously seen as protections for youths, they are actively working to protect them from the greatest evil of all: wearing clothes that were designed for the opposite gender. Children of America owe a debt of gratitude to the GOP for protecting their interests and helping prepare them for the real world, which is scary and cruel for some reason.

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