‘He Only Ate Three Babies,’ Says Sports Fan About Troubled Star Player
By: Alan Chen
Cleveland, OH–Sports media was troubled when it was revealed yesterday that star wide receiver Marco Tomlinson had eaten three babies, one in high school, one in college, and one in his rookie year. His fans, who call themselves the BabyEater Bois, have been quick to come to his defense.
“First of all, he’s a god on the field, and second of all, he only ate three babies,” said Jacob Greenwood, a 24-year-old fan who started following Marco’s team in elementary school. “That’s a lot worse than it could be. There’s tons of places that used to sacrifice babies every year to their gods, we’ve only sacrificed a baby every 4 years for this god.”
One of the BabyEater Bois commented with context from his philosophy degree:
“Is eating babies even that bad?” asked Charles Chen, who attended a third of his classes in college. “They barely have consciousness, it can’t be much worse than eating a cow, pig, or even a chicken. That’s why it would have been legal to abort them just a few months earlier. It’s just bad optics to eat a baby instead.”
Marco is currently expected to receive a suspension of up to 6 games.
“The league is extraordinarily upset with Marco’s behavior. The NFL does not condone or endorse the act of eating babies, and because of that, we are likely to suspend Marco 6 games.” Said commissioner Roger Goddell. Due to his contract structure, those 6 games will likely cost Marco up to 8% of his 60 million dollar contract.
“We hope that such a severe and devastating punishment will prevent Marco from buying his 4th Bugatti, and cause him to rethink eating babies in the future,” he concluded.
Fantasy Football is in an uproar over the predicted suspension, and Marco’s average draft position (ADP) has fallen over 4 rounds from being the predicted 1.09 in 12 person PPR leagues to the 6.02 in statistics from ESPN.
“It’s a fantastic value,” Said Fantasy Sports Network Analyst Chris Schwartz. “You’re getting a guy who can be an RB1, top tier level guy in the playoffs in the 6th round. On the fun side, you can get a lot of new epic team names, for example, ‘Marco EatHisSon’ or ‘Canniballers’. The only people who lose are the babies, who, let’s face it, are barely even people.”
One thing remains clear though: people will keep watching regardless of what horrific things players do. They might even watch more of the sports news to keep afloat of the drama.
“I can’t wait to see what he does next,” says BabyEater Boi Kevin Catan, who had Marco on his league winning fantasy teams in both 2022 and 2021. “I just had my first kid, and she’ll only be a baby for 2 more years, but Marco, it’s the least I could do.”