George W. Bush Publishes ‘If I Did It’ Book About 9/11
By: Tru Thurgood
McLennan County, TX—Former president and current painting virtuoso George W. Bush has proven to be quite the Renaissance man post presidency. Not only does he masterfully depict the horrors of a war he started by lying through his art, he’s also taken on writing historical fiction. In his best selling novel If I Did It, Bush outlines exactly what it would be like if he was behind the 9/11 attacks, and folks, it’s wildly different than we all remember.
To begin with, Bush says the targets are all wrong. An excerpt reads, “Say I’m a terrorist. A bad guy. Symbolically speaking my first target is gonna be the Statue of Liberty. She’s showing too much skin, French (even though her pits are shaved), and she represents the western ideals I hate: liberty and having a rockin ass you could ride into battle on.” If that isn’t proof that these attacks were indeed perpetrated by extremists, then what will it take? He goes on about the statue for a while. Asking important questions about what color her pee might be since her skin is green. (Spoiler: it would probably be a yellow-green. Possibly neon)
His way with words has improved tenfold since he was President. Critics are saying prose will never be the same, in that everything written from here on out is simply not worth reading.
“If I did it I would have picked a better day too, maybe sometime in early October. And why so early? Anything worth doing can wait til noon. That’s my motto. Plus a helicopter is so much easier to hijack. Just get a bunch of helicopter tours all at the same time and fly em into the weakest parts of that statue. Behind her knees, her eyes, the tits, maybe up her dress and hit her where the sun don’t shine. Blammo! Terrorism 101.”
Being the genius that he is, Bush Jr. foresaw the questions that would be lobbied his way and included an epilogue that would address each and every one of them. Accounting for 31 pages, it’s the longest epilogue in literary history.
“So let’s say you want to go to war with Iraq. Why not just say Saddam did it? Well smart guy, how would I get troops into Afghanistan if I didn’t blame a Saudi dude and his crazy book club they called Al Qaeda?”
The remaining 30 pages are all in defense of his idea to take out the Statue of Liberty.
“I know what you’re thinking, don’t even have to say it. Statue of Liberty doesn’t hold too many people, why fly a bunch of helicopters into that? Seems like it would take as many pilots as there would be casualties. Well those buildings are full of what I call little people. Workers with desk jobs. They don’t mean anything to the average person. But the Statue of Liberty? She’s huge! That’ll hit America where it hurts. Right in its voluptuous, cellulite-ridden, dump truck of an ass!”
