By: Graham Reinbold
Lancing, MI—Local powerlifter Bryce Rubin’s heroic deadlift of a 2005 Toyota Camry, ended in tragedy yesterday morning. While Rubin originally hoped to save the 32-year-old father of three trapped underneath the flaming sedan, some lines were clearly blurred in the heat of competition. After successfully clearing the car off the injured driver: “My mind went blank and I did what I always do after a big lift. Scream till my forehead veins hurt, and drop the weight to celebrate. At first I thought someone spilled a cherry pie…then I realized my mistake.” Said a visibly shaken Rubin, following the incident.
When reached for additional comment, Rubin said, “I was walking to work when I saw this guy pinned under an upside down car. I wanted to help, but honestly I got kinda nervous when I saw it was a Camry. A corolla, or maybe something foreign would’ve been a bit lighter. I’m just glad all those years drinking water out of gallon jugs in LA Fitness finally paid off.”
Witnesses report hearing the trapped man grunt in pain as Rubin spent almost twenty minutes gently stretching, and applying heating pads to his lower back. “Don’t wanna tweak it again,” said a cautious Rubin. Good call, safety first!
Fortunately for onlookers, the additional fifteen minutes it took for Rubin’s pre-workout drink to kick in allowed enough time for a crowd to gather around the spectacle. There have been reports of paramedics arriving at the scene, but refraining from treatment because they wanted to see if Rubin could pull off what some are calling “the lift of the century.”
They didn’t leave disappointed! According to witness Chelsea Murphy, “He chalked up his hands, grabbed the bumper, and went for it! I’d never seen anyone lift something that heavy, or car shaped before, but it was like the cheering crowd, and screaming guy below just gave him this extra boost. I couldn’t believe it when I saw that 4 door lift off the ground. The crowd was going nuts, jumping, and screaming. You can’t blame the big guy for getting a little excited.” The once mesmerized audience, suffered a quick mood shift when Rubin’s post-lift weight drop squashed any chance of saving the man below.
“It got gross, fast,” said Lancing resident Timothy Doole. “When you think of sports injuries you think of sprained ankles, and concussions. Not a person going from 3D to 2D in half a second. There was a big splatter zone, and it ruined my new, all white Stan Smiths. I’m not trying to make this about me, but let’s just say there were a lot of victims today,” said Murphy, tossing his goo splattered shoes into a nearby dumpster.
Well, we all learned our lesson from this one. From now on, we’ll make sure to leave all of our powerlifting in the gym where it belongs. On the bright side, it seems like Rubin’s back held up great!