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The Five Stages Of Tony Hawk Shattering Your Hymen By Skateboarding Into You At The X Games

in Celebrity/Entertainment/Health/Sports by

By: Allie Rubin   Denial   It’s perfectly normal to react to Tony Hawk skateboarding into you and shattering your hymen at the X Games with confusion and denial. Try to ground yourself in the present moment. Is Tony Hawk apologizing to you over and over again? Is blood seeping into the white shorts you thought would be cool to wear to the X Games? Is Blink 182 playing in the background? If so, you’re going to have to lie down for a few minutes and try to come to grips with the fact that Tony Hawk has probably just…

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Musk Does A Dolezol, Builds ‘Stefan’ Clone Machine From Family Matters

in Celebrity/Entertainment/Science by

By: Jennifer Allman Silicon Valley, CA—As Elon Musk watched Nick at Nite last Tuesday at 3AM, he found himself viewing for the very first time a revolutionary television show. Musk screamed, “Eureka! I’ve got it!” and took this new venture to his twitter feed: “This new TV show just changed my life!” The Boring Company founder may be busy building underground traffic tunnels, dodging libel suits, and joking about releasing a sex tape with ex-partner, Grimes… but, in the meantime, he has a new project under foot. Musk has sworn to create a real version of a fictional cloning machine…

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5 Picturesque Zip Lines That Will Bust Your Hymen

in Entertainment/Local/Science/Sports by

By: Josie Benedetti Sick of the cold and showing your visible signs of virginity? These 5 picturesque zip line attractions will get you out of your winter hibernation mindset and take your v-card all in one fell swoop. The Gravity Canyon in Taihape, New Zealand will break that vaginal membrane open like a middle schooler using a tampon for the first time.   There’s nothing like the rush of flying 328 feet above the Cambodian jungle, knowing that you’re finally a woman.   Your gynecologist won’t believe how tan you look after coming back from Mexico with a new sense…

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Man Carefully Prepares Week Worth Of Meals To Throw In Garbage On Saturday

in Food/Drink/Health/Local by

By: Jake Dierksheide Chicago, IL — Diligently dividing up portions of a Kale Pesto Pasta into individual pyrex containers, Jack Davis produces 5 homemade lunches for his 9-5 work week, all of which destined to be thrown into the garbage the following weekend. “I’m really trying to push myself to eat healthier and spend less money on food,” claimed Jack on Sunday evening. This was one day before he would determine himself deserving of a Chipotle burrito bowl for, “making it through Monday morning,” implicitly deciding to bring his unappealing home cooking back with home to him. “It’s so easy…

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Report: Shelter Must Have Been Out Of All Other Dogs

in Local/Science by

By: Jake Dierksheide Citing the dog’s “disgusting face” and “sheer quantity of fluid output”, researchers at the University of Illinois have come to the conclusion that there is no possible way that any other dogs were available at PAWS the day that Mark and Jennifer adopted their new pet. The team of graduate students spent the afternoon of November 14th observing Ingrid, the name already given to the Bull Terrier/Bulldog mix at the time of adoption, in the hopes of discovering what possible hidden charm this nauseating excuse for one of God’s creations could hold. Ingrid spent much of that…

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Cat Walks Across Keyboard, Discovers Cold Fusion

in Science by

By: Ross Childs SANTA FE, NM—The scientific community was rocked to its core today after a viable formula for cold fusion energy was produced by a house cat. Cold fusion is the idea of creating and maintaining a stable nuclear reaction at or near room temperature, and was considered purely hypothetical, though that could change with this discovery. The cat, an American Shorthair named Miss Floofy, walked across the keyboard of her caretaker’s computer while he was “taking a bitchin’ weed nap.” The animal wrote out the scientific breakthrough in an already open Google Doc titled, “Tennis, But Everyone’s Baked”.…

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Study Finds Strong Correlation Between Drinking Coffee And Everyone Knowing When You’re Taking A Dump

in Food/Drink/Health/Local/Science by

By: Jeff Sweatly A cup of joe in the morning is essential to maintaining the constitution necessary for morning commutes, water cooler conversations, afternoon meetings, and bitchin’ happy hours. That steamy cup of hot bean water is what fuels America and effectively why we as Americans run on Dunkin. This beautiful caffeinated concoction, however, may also be the cause for some embarrassment according to a recent study conducted by the Browning Institute. As it turns out, 4 out of every 5 people know exactly what you’re doing in the bathroom, provided they witness you consuming a cup of coffee. The…

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Stay Informed Without Uncle Sam Gettin’ Wise

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By: Ross Childs NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, USA — Congratulations, you finally did it! You cut up your driver’s license, burned your social security card, and grew a cabin-in-the-deep-woods beard – you’re finally ready for life OFF THE GRID! No longer will the government have its filthy, conniving, tax-soaked tentacles all wrapped up in every aspect of your life like the Hentai Porn you enjoy so very secretly. But in this day and age, information is power, and you want to stay informed – hell, you NEED to stay informed. How else do you stay ahead of the black…

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Micro-Organisms Discovered In Mattress Can Confirm Woman Is Faking Orgasm

in Health/Science by

By: Skyller Tritch Burlington, VT—Scientists from all over the world have convened this weekend for a conference to discuss a highly controversial new chemical that allows the human ear to hear the thousands of micro-organisms living in our mattresses. Their discovery shows the organisms only have one topic on their mind: Carl Sheen’s never made his girlfriend cum. The origins of the homogeneous mixture of the new substance are still unknown, but head researcher at Vermont College of Medicine, Dr. Paul McNair, 55, went on record claiming science has never before seen a chemical compound this beneficial to society: “A…

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