Nation’s Home Exercise Equipment Awakens from Yearly Hibernation
By: Katie Pecho
VENICE BEACH, CA—An annual natural phenomenon marked the start of the new year as the nation’s home exercise equipment awoke from its yearly hibernation and emerged into dens and garages across the country.
“It’s really a spectacle to behold,” said field anthropologist Becky Jensen, Professor of Bowflex Migration at the University of Santa Monica School of Predictable Psychology.
“Every year, it’s exactly the same. Come January 1st at the stroke of midnight, we see a reemergence of exercise equipment all across the country,” said Jensen. “Machines that for the rest of the year lay dormant as clothes hangers or physical manifestations of guilt shake off their accumulated dust and prepare for a solid month to month and a half of regular usage.”
“Though when I say ‘the stroke of midnight,’” Jensen said, “I’m being a little disingenuous. The hibernation cycle actually concludes sometime between January 2nd and January 10th, after an intense, requisite period of bargaining and procrastination on the part of the adjacent human population. It is impossible to complete the hibernation cycle without it.”
The fascinating thing about this phenomenon, according to Jensen, is that this whole lifecycle is actually initiated by a concurrent hibernation process by the national human population, which begins when the humans emerge from their end of year holiday stupor with newfound energy and motivation to ‘get swole’.
This is actually the result of an extreme influx of refined sugars from dietary supplements such as Christmas cookies or holiday cocktails flooding the humans’ digestive systems and clouding their cognitive processes with what linguists would call ‘hubris’ but what those in the anthropology field call ‘Candy Brain’.
“And Candy Brain is a powerful intoxicant,” Jensen said, shuddering. “I once witnessed a man leap from a ten-story building believing he could fly after consuming a single package of Chuckles. This is actually the origin of the pejorative ‘Chucklehead,’ though frankly, we in the field find that term to be tasteless.”
This cycle, according to Jensen, is as old as human existence, older than the pyramids or even NordicTrack. There is even evidence that prehistoric neanderthals may have completed a similar cycle, replacing treadmills and ellipticals with boulders and large rocks. This tradition has actually persisted through time and is now called CrossFit, the practitioners being equally unintelligible.
“That is the beauty of nature,” Jensen concluded, wiping a heartfelt tear from her eye. “The persistence of the fundamental human desire to delude ourselves. It will always stand the test of time.”