Rage Against The Machine Destroys Capitalism With Upcoming Tour (Tickets Only $350)
By: Alvin O’Morrell
PORTLAND, OR–The band that exists solely to challenge the fascist capitalist system controlled by imperialist corporate pigs is back! Their tour comes at a time of political turmoil in America and their message may be more important now than ever. You can hear these prophets of the proletariat preach from the sweaty stage of revolution for as little as $350!
You heard that right. After such a long hiatus the tickets are basically priceless, but reasonably priced. They’re a little more if you want to get close enough to get punched in the pit by a Trump supporter who was mad in his teens, but ultimately fell prey to the dream killing machine: conformity and complacency. That’s where the posers will be anyways. The real Ragers will be in the nosebleeds because, sorry 1%ers, we could only afford tickets in the $159 range. Fuck you boomers!
We asked the person with the most tattoos and widest piercings we could find at the last RATM cover band show in town what they thought about the upcoming tour. “I’m so excited they’re coming back. There’s gonna be riots all over man. Enough people are getting fed up. A lot of revolutionary energy is gonna be echoing off the walls at Sprint Center, Enterprise Center, United Center, Little Caesar’s Arena, Rocket Mortgage Fieldhouse, fuck even Coachella is getting a little taste this year. Look out sorority girls and influencers we’re gonna take the power back,” he finished with his fist raised, snort laughing with the ironic self-righteous indignation that only an anarcho-communist who walked in the venue with a Starbucks cup can exude.
When asked about the Battle For Los Angeles T-shirt he was wearing, he commented, “I got this from Hot Topic, but my ex-girlfriend works there and still gives me the employee discount so I’m still dismantling the system from the inside man. Fuck the power!” He asked that we not say his or her name so she doesn’t lose her job and he doesn’t lose those killer discounts.
It would be a real surprise for most if these concerts didn’t charge up defectors enough to cause a revolution where the rich and powerful lay headless in the street, the blood of the wealthy filling the gutters and sewers. As the bourgeois elitist heads roll, “Killing in the Name” will play from the heavens. At the very least some people may decide to vote for a revolutionary candidate who is going to fix income inequality and fight for the working class: Elizabeth Warren.
PAID FOR BY ELIZABETH WARREN FOR PRESIDENT & CAPITOL ONE
“What’s in your wallet?”*
*Official slogan of Capitol One and Elizabeth Warren 2020 Campaign