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The latest coverage on the apocalypse that people call politics.

Opinion: Beto Is Better For Texas. Take It From Me, A Guy Who Hasn’t Watched That Many Blu-Rays

in Entertainment/Local/Politics by

By: A Guy Who Hasn’t Watched That Many Blu-rays FORT WORTH, TX—For seven months now, I’ve been following the surging candidacy of Beto O’Rourke in the 2018 Texas Senate Race. What a ride. After talking to family, friends and neighbors, most of whom typically vote Republican, I now believe Beto to be the better candidate. Take it from me, a tried and true Longhorn conservative who hasn’t watched many films on Blu-ray. As someone who had a friend’s Netflix password early on, I began to consider moving on from Ted Cruz and the GOP. I didn’t think America should be…

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‘My Life is Ruined’ Says Man Promoted To Highest Court Of The Land

in Politics/Social by

By: Steve Plock Washington, D.C.—The Senate Judiciary Committee’s special hearing on the sexual assault claims of Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was a rigorous day full of painful recollections, intense questioning, and privileged white male tears. Ford’s testimony was a brave and powerful act of patriotism, likely to empower women of all ages to deal with their own issues of daily abuse and assault more adeptly. However, it was Kavanaugh’s opening statement that likely forced Americans to reckon with consequences that come with accusing a rich, privileged white man of his past crimes. “My life is…

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Perfectly Innocent Man Says No To FBI Investigation

in Politics by

By: Nick Scutti Washington, D.C.—A perfectly innocent man, nominated for the position of Justice of the United States Supreme Court, has said no to allowing the FBI to investigate allegations that he has sexually assaulted multiple women. The innocent man, who has insisted several times during a long hearing with members of the Senate that he is innocent, declined to give Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) an affirmative answer as to whether he would agree to an investigation that should be able to prove the innocence he claims to be bestowing. “…if you… turned to … this committee and say for…

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Developments In Hand Dryer Technology Rapidly Outpacing Those In Cancer Research

in Business/Health/Science by

By: Allie Rubin WASHINGTON, D.C.—Doctors warn that technological developments in automated hand-drying technology are outpacing those in cancer research at an alarming rate. The discovery, which was made in the crowded bathroom of a recent medical conference, has sent shockwaves through the oncological community. “It’s unsustainable,” cried Dr. Marvin Lapace, head of the American Cancer Society. “In the past decade, we’ve made remarkably little progress in understanding how to effectively combat cancer. In that same time, hand-drying technology has advanced in leaps and bounds.” “If we could only harness some of the sheer brain-power of these engineers,” Dr. Lapace pleaded,…

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Levi’s Issues Recall On Acid-Soaked Jeans

in Business by

by M. Barry Frütz SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Suffering public backlash amid damaged legs ranging from blistering to burnt straight off, Levi’s issued a recall for what they thought were going to be a smash hit this summer. Their acid-soaked 501 jeans were expected to hit the festival scene with a bang, but were instead received with pain and misery. Early recipients of the pants were dismayed to find that the jeans took the concept of “acid wash” and cranked it to 11, causing them to pass out after the most excruciating 10 seconds of their lives. One wearer described the experience…

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BREAKING: Donald Trump Has A Pretty Regular Dick, Breaking Years Of Presidential Tradition

in Health/Politics by

By: Jack Hutsey WASHINGTON, D.C.—After hearing that President Donald Trump has a dick shaped like a mushroom, the nation is in a state of shock and rage. Never before in American history has the country been led by a man with a normal looking dick. “This is unprecedented and quite frankly, unprofessional and unbecoming of the office of the presidency,” Arthur Patrick Gable, official Presidential Penis Historian and Curator of the Commander-in-Chief Dick Museum and Education Center, said. It is the unspoken rule of the Presidency that the holder of the office must have a weird looking rod. Concave. Swirled.…

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President Clearly Never Seen A Single Episode Of VeggieTales

in Entertainment/Movies/Politics by

By: Nicholas Scutti WASHINGTON, D.C.—At FaithCon, an interfaith convention in the nation’s capital, ministers, rabbis, and imams, among others, gathered to discuss President Donald Trump’s ethics and values, if he had any. After hours of debate, the members of the convention made a radical conclusion: that President Trump has clearly never seen a single episode of VeggieTales. “It makes a lot of sense when you think about it,” said Cardinal Christopher Jones, Vice President of the convention. “VeggieTales teaches us how to love and care for one another. It’s a well known fact that former president Jimmy Carter only started…

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Cute Talking Raccoon Only Talks About Libertarian Party

in Local/Politics/Science by

By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Get ready to wet your pants with excitement! There’s a talking Raccoon at the Lincoln Park Zoo!  The animal, affectionately named “Zippo”, has been dishing out smiles and wonder to visitors every day since his arrival two weeks ago. People just can’t seem to get enough of his cute furry face, his cute fuzzy tale, and his cute endorsement of the Libertarian Party! Zippo has only been here less than a month, but he’s already become one of the most popular attractions at the Lincoln Park Zoo. “He’s so adorable,” says Abigail, age 10. “He loves…

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Shame: This Fetus Would’ve Been Subway’s Two-Billionth Customer If It Weren’t Aborted

in Business/Food/Drink/Health/Politics by

By: Nicholas Anthony Scutti If you’re pro-life, get those tissues out and ready. It was announced a few hours ago that a three month old fetus, the one who would’ve been Subway’s two-billionth customer, was aborted, never to develop to full term to know what a Subway sandwich would taste like. The fetus, who would’ve been named Tommy (or Sandra if it was a girl), was destined from the beginning of time to be crowned as Subway’s two billionth customer while ordering a Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt in 2047. But thanks to a seven-to-two majority from the godless Supreme Court…

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