By: Mike Maxwell
SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk.
It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face paint. The Halloween potluck was a standard success that left trays of snacks in the kitchen well into the following week. Recent hire, Tony Porter postured, “How the hell am I supposed to eat this stale ass pumpkin sugar cookie when I hear the relentlessness of ‘The Little Drummer Boy’ coming from across the way?”
Long standing employees know this is unfortunately not a random occurrence. Carolyn Teague, the Office Manager, explained, it’s been Alex’s thing now for about five years. We’ve told him several times our owners are Jewish as a way to deter this annoyance, but nope, he still acts like a rogue easy listening station DJ.”
HR Manager Tonya Wallace welcomes such activity. “It is the time of year to be a bit more mindful of others and get into the spirit of caring. I really don’t need any more headaches than the typical, ‘be sure to add blue and white to all that red and green in the office!’ drama. That being said, the spirit of caring has become progressively more depressing to the American workforce.”
As the calendar moves close to actually being December, the office splits into an east coast v. west coast rivalry where it’s the Noel’s against the ‘aww hell no’s!’ Seasonal depression, when partnered with an environment that is an obligation not a destination, only makes for a highly concentrated level of resentment for the Christ child’s birth during the hours of 8:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. If there’s one way to bring an office together, it’s to bury the happiness of an obnoxious colleague.
Providing a faith based soundtrack to the work day is just what everybody who gave up on their professional aspirations is wanting for eight weeks. He feels that deep down everyone really appreciates what he’s doing. Last reports indicate Alex’s Santa list decoration was vandalized with the word ‘obnoxious’ being written over nice.