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Word Brothel - page 2

Word Brothel has 362 articles published.

Food/Drink/Health/Local/Science

“Menstruation Is Normal!” Screams Woman Drowning Entire Shake Shack With Her Period Blood

By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—More than a dozen people were killed and hundreds more were hospitalized Wednesday when Jackolyn O’Connor, 22, decided to grab a burger from Shake Shack and instead unleashed a torrent of red, hot lady juice on unsuspecting Shack Shake goers. O’Connor, on her way home from an Ethical Dilemmas in Feminism course at DePaul University, was placing her order for a large peanut butter milkshake, cheese fries with extra cheese, and two shack stack burgers when she looked down to find the white tile floor covered with 2-3 inches of extra chunky human salsa emanating from… Keep Reading

Zuckerberg Releases Nightmarish Trove Of Trump Dick Pics In Failed Attempt To Win Back Public Support

By: Simon Tessmer PALO ALTO, CA—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has released thousands of photographs of the president’s ugly penis in the hopes of capitalizing on anti-Trump sentiment and improving his public image. Despite tepid, perfunctory support from the Men’s Rights Activism movement, Zuckerberg has earned near-universal criticism and embroiled the globe in debilitating nausea.   “Our data from the past year indicated a widespread interest in Donald Trump’s sexual transgressions,” Zuckerberg explained in his home office. “The terms ‘Trump’ and ‘penis’ appeared in users’ texts, emails, and phone conversations at a markedly increased rate since Stormy Daniels’ book was published.… Keep Reading

Food/Drink/Health/Science

9 Out Of 10 Old-Timey Doctors Agree Whiskey Will Cure Everything

By: Cassandra Vandersands In a really old study published 6,257 weeks ago, doctors with PhDs from nowhere discovered a cure to everything. Through years of non-clinical trials, old-timey medicine men concluded in no uncertain terms that whiskey can fix nearly anything from gunshot wounds to gonorrhea. Yessir, this number one cure-all is the magic bullet that you and your dearest loved ones need to make it through the harsh winter months and those sluggish summer days. One drop of this elixir can make you stronger, faster, and prettier than a $30 steed, but why stop at one drop when two… Keep Reading

Food/Drink/Politics

State Of The Union Drinking Game Results In Hundreds Dead

By: Ross Childs WASHINGTON, DC—During the President’s State Of The Union address, millions of Americans gathered for the annual SOTU drinking game, where participants take a shot every time the president takes credit for someone else’s accomplishment, doubles down on a ridiculous campaign promise, attempts to shift blame, or engages in a number of predicted behavioral patterns – anyone of which was guaranteed to get anyone playing positively schnacklered. This year, however, a Chicago resident named Clarb Blorfgrin decided to add a new rule: take a shot every time someone in attendance looks like they’re “over it.” Within 20 minutes… Keep Reading

Entertainment/Movies

New Transformer Changes From Mustang To 19-Year-Old Talking About His Mustang

By: Nick Graves Los Angeles, CA — Here we go again! Another member of the alien tech species known around the world as ‘Transformers’ has crash landed on earth. And he’s not even old enough to drink. In his vehicle form he’s a 1976 Mustang, but in his fuck-shit-up and destroy-my-favorite-cafe-in-a-wild-brawl form? He’s a 19 year old named A.J., preferring to be referred to as ‘A.J., the Transformer,’ who likes to talk exclusively about his Musta…himself? A.J. differentiates himself from other Transformers by taking a human form. White, brown hair, floral dress shirt, skinny jeans, and a rude ‘tude. “Look… Keep Reading

Local/Social

Winter Storm Just A Metaphor For Local Woman’s Love Life

By: Allie Rubin CHICAGO, IL—Scientists reported Wednesday that the abnormally cold temperatures recently recorded in Chicago are likely just a metaphor for the love life of local hairdresser Julia Rossi, 29. The severe winter weather, which was previously believed to have been an indirect result of global warming, is now interpreted to have resulted from Rossi’s recent breakup with the handsome yet commitment-phobic architect Benjamin Chase, 30. “While some may be tempted to attribute these historically unprecedented temperatures of less than -20°F to the effects of man-made global warming, we instead opt for a simpler explanation,” stated climate scientist Dr.… Keep Reading

Local/Social

Shattering The Glass Floor: This Woman Is Acting Like A Creepy Douche

By: Maximilian Stolte Chicago, IL—Early this morning, in a brave defiance of gender norms, local woman Anne Washington started her day with one goal in mind: to be a creepy, degenerate asshole to every guy she came in contact with. Starting as early as her morning commute, her awkward advances towards strangers with strong sexual undertones earned her grade A pervert status amongst her peers. Once on the train, passengers reported her leering at men’s crotches and backsides and saying obscenities that only a real sicko sex freak could conjure up. A local man, who wished to remain anonymous, reported… Keep Reading

The Five Stages Of Tony Hawk Shattering Your Hymen By Skateboarding Into You At The X Games

By: Allie Rubin   Denial   It’s perfectly normal to react to Tony Hawk skateboarding into you and shattering your hymen at the X Games with confusion and denial. Try to ground yourself in the present moment. Is Tony Hawk apologizing to you over and over again? Is blood seeping into the white shorts you thought would be cool to wear to the X Games? Is Blink 182 playing in the background? If so, you’re going to have to lie down for a few minutes and try to come to grips with the fact that Tony Hawk has probably just… Keep Reading

Celebrity/Entertainment/Science

Musk Does A Dolezol, Builds ‘Stefan’ Clone Machine From Family Matters

By: Jennifer Allman Silicon Valley, CA—As Elon Musk watched Nick at Nite last Tuesday at 3AM, he found himself viewing for the very first time a revolutionary television show. Musk screamed, “Eureka! I’ve got it!” and took this new venture to his twitter feed: “This new TV show just changed my life!” The Boring Company founder may be busy building underground traffic tunnels, dodging libel suits, and joking about releasing a sex tape with ex-partner, Grimes… but, in the meantime, he has a new project under foot. Musk has sworn to create a real version of a fictional cloning machine… Keep Reading

Celebrity

Art Historians Uncover New Evidence of Picasso’s “Killer Beef Robot” Period

By: Allie Rubin NEW YORK, NY—Describing it as one of “the most significant finds in all of art history,” MoMA curator Lawrence Thomason announced Wednesday that recently unearthed paintings from Pablo Picasso’s estate have indicated that the famed artist indulged in a previously unknown artistic period, which has been classified by historians as his “Killer Beef Robot Period.” “The work that Picasso produced over his nearly eighty years of creative output can be categorized into several well-known periods, including the Blue Period, Rose Period, and Cubism Period,” Thomason told reporters at a press conference announcing the find. “However, our work… Keep Reading

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