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Word Brothel has 410 articles published.

Entertainment/Local/Movies

Study: 93% Of CTA Bus Drivers Not Prepared To Handle Speed-like Scenario

By: Daniel Wightkin CHICAGO, IL—Shedding light on a shocking lapse in safety procedures, a recent study published on Thursday by the University of Chicago found that 93% of CTA bus drivers are completely unprepared for a scenario similar to the one depicted in the 1994 blockbuster Speed. “In our tests, we found that a staggering 9/10 drivers are unable to handle the high octane situation of having their vehicle rigged with a bomb which is set to explode if they ever drop below 50 mph,” said lead researcher Jessica Pope, noting that even the most experienced of CTA drivers struggled… Keep Reading

Entertainment/Local/Music/Social

Suburban Rapper Struggles To Find Adversity In Such A Supportive Environment


By: Graham Reinbold ZIONSVILLE, IN—Carter Monahugh was raised in one of the most affluent suburbs in the U.S., but that hasn’t stopped him from pursuing his dream of becoming the next online hip-hop sensation. “Most rappers are able to spit bars about coming from nothing and fighting a powerful system that oppresses them at every turn, but I don’t have that option,” said Monahugh, buffing out a scratch in the Yeezy’s gifted to him on his 17th birthday.  “I wish I could rap about proving all my haters wrong, but everyone I talk to is so goddamn supportive,” exclaimed a… Keep Reading

Local/Politics

Lucky Couple Win Big With NRA Sponsored Trip For Two To Yemen

By: Philip Lindsey GARY, IN—“HOLY SHIT!” shouted Sara Lounsbury-Carter, 27, and David Lounsbury-Carter, 28,  minutes after holding up the winning raffle ticket. The couple are the first to win a two day all expenses paid trip to the war torn country of Yemen, courtesy of the NRA. Bushmaster AR-15 rounds ricocheted around the room in celebration while NRA Chapter President John K. Robert had some choice words for the couple. “This is going to be an eye opening experience for you kids. Go see what the world’s like and give ‘em hell.” In a bid to strengthen relations with a… Keep Reading

Health/Local

Death Obsessed Toddler Treating Plane Turbulence Like Roller Coaster

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—On Monday morning, the death obsessed toddler in seat 7G treated Flight 275 to Chicago’s turbulence like a roller coaster, lifting his arms and screaming with each sudden drop like a twisted little fuck. Paying no heed to the lovers of life seated around him, the tiny nihilist willfully spread his disregard for animated consciousness with each yelp of joy, infecting everyone in the cabin with his virus-like ideology. Aboard the flight was businesswoman Becca Tulsa, who recalled her initial perceptions of the boy. “His crusty mouth, tousled brown hair, and Wild Kratts t-shirt seemed completely… Keep Reading

Entertainment/Food/Drink/Local/Social

Remember Kirby? Well Now He’s Jacked And Wants You To Eat Sushi Off His Abs

By: Jack Hutsey It was supposed to be a nice date night with your boo, to celebrate 18 months of conjugal, millennial bliss. You made reservations three months ago for the hottest new sushi place, Trukake. It’s one of those elegant, post-hip places where you eat California rolls off some hard body. You get seated at your table and they bring out warm sake. Then you see him. Kirby. Fucking Kirby from your GameBoy. But he’s not a pink sphere anymore. He is fucking chiseled. Every muscle defined like a Renaissance sculpture. Delts, pecs, lats, abs, ‘ceps of both bi… Keep Reading

Holiday/Local/Sports

Local Dads Say “No” To Father’s Day Gifts, Insist Winning Tee-ball Team Only Option

By: Mackenzie Moore SHERMAN OAKS, CA—A conglomerate of Los Angeles dads have raised a request to their children this Father’s Day: no gifts, just a winning team. The drive past the Balboa Park tee-ball fields is indeed grim these days. On any given Saturday, kids can be seen throwing handfuls of grass at each other, or striking out time after time at the tee. “We’ve noticed a decline in the quality of the league over the past few years,” assistant coach Ben Renck bemoaned over his iced cortado at Little Wizard Coffee. He leaned in, covering the ears of his… Keep Reading

Food/Drink/Health/Local/Politics

Pelosi Urges Caution In Removing Writhing Squid Meat From Charcuterie Spread

By: Simon Tessmer WASHINGTON, DC—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is urging caution to those in her brunch party eager to initiate removal proceedings against the pile of writhing squid meat slithering all over their charcuterie spread. Though the historic nature of the squid meat’s abuses of stomach health have long been public to La Jambe’s other customers, Pelosi fears attempting to oust the glistening mound of twitching tentacles may backfire during later courses. Those seated to Pelosi’s left are making the most impassioned arguments for scraping the viscous sea-legs off their now slippery shared plate of meats and cheeses.… Keep Reading

Local/Social

Guide: Is Your Flight Attendant Flirting Or Trying To Get You To Open An Emergency Exit?

By: Graham Reinbold Hey Word Brothel! My name is Richard Sampson, and I’m constantly traveling for work. I’ve had the same problem every time my flight makes an unexpected landing. I can’t figure out if flight attendants are flirting with me, or just trying to get me to open the emergency exit? During my last trip to Dallas for example, all the signs were there. This flight attendant was showering me with attention, and couldn’t keep her eyes off me! I felt like the most important man in her world, but something was off. I just couldn’t figure out If… Keep Reading

Entertainment/Local/Music/Obituaries

Local Dude Turns Funeral Into Crunchy Jam Sesh

By: Ross Childs BOSTON, MA—A man, nay dude, improved an otherwise dreary funeral when he whipped out his acoustic guitar and played his tune. Richard Parker, a music student at Boston University, attended a funeral for a fellow classmate’s cousin. He noticed the totally depressed vibe permeating through the funerary establishment. Richard Parker, who goes by the stage name “Dicky P”, pulled out his paint-covered Jasmine acoustic guitar and started picking out a rendition of Rusted Root’s “Send Me On My Way”, and according to Ric…ahem…Dicky P, the vibe, “totally shifted towards the joy nexus,” and his control over the… Keep Reading

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