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Word Brothel - page 3

Word Brothel has 413 articles published.

Science

Exhausted Single Mother Wearing Headphones Begging To Be Hit On

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Sarah Maggert, a single mother of two returning home from an overnight double shift at Walgreens, was sitting on the Brown Line at 7AM begging to be hit on. She might have been wearing headphones and staring at the ground with the distant look of someone exhausted beyond their body’s capacity, but the only thing on her mind was getting desperate flirty attention from a greasy, glazed-eyes leather jacket rando three seats over.  “I thought men today understood ‘playing hard to get,’ but I guess I was wrong,” complains Maggert. “The vivid bags under my eyes,… Keep Reading

Local/Social

Corgi Instagram Influencer Not Even Grateful For Owner Buying Followers

By: Tanya Kornilovich CHICAGO, IL—A local Pembroke Welsh just surpassed the chihuahua Marigold as the #1 dog on Instagram. Bagels and his team celebrated with an announcement across all social media platforms with the caption, “Thank you to all my fans who made this paw-sibble.” Bagels, however, is reportedly completely ungrateful for the thousands of followers his mother has bought him on Instagram.  Dog mom Lynette Smith quit her full time job as a Head of Marketing at a bank in order support Bagels’ childhood dream of advertising dog treats to 600,000 white women across the world. She now runs… Keep Reading

Health/Local

Five Visual Distraction Tactics to Make When Your Dental Hygienist Asks If You’ve Been Flossing

By: Mackenzie Moore If you’re like me, you are always caught with your face slack as Saturday sweatpants when your dental hygienist asks “the question”. Fortunately, I have a series of moves to help you evade answering. These are tried and true tactics I regularly employ when I make my bi-annual return to the suburbs for a visit with my dear, elderly hygienist named Greta.    1. The raised left eyebrow: Are you ashamed to admit you’ve been slacking? Did you genuinely just forget? Are you on a high horse of the dental sort? If so, listen up. When asked,… Keep Reading

Entertainment/Local/Movies

Study: 93% Of CTA Bus Drivers Not Prepared To Handle Speed-like Scenario

By: Daniel Wightkin CHICAGO, IL—Shedding light on a shocking lapse in safety procedures, a recent study published on Thursday by the University of Chicago found that 93% of CTA bus drivers are completely unprepared for a scenario similar to the one depicted in the 1994 blockbuster Speed. “In our tests, we found that a staggering 9/10 drivers are unable to handle the high octane situation of having their vehicle rigged with a bomb which is set to explode if they ever drop below 50 mph,” said lead researcher Jessica Pope, noting that even the most experienced of CTA drivers struggled… Keep Reading

Entertainment/Local/Music/Social

Suburban Rapper Struggles To Find Adversity In Such A Supportive Environment


By: Graham Reinbold ZIONSVILLE, IN—Carter Monahugh was raised in one of the most affluent suburbs in the U.S., but that hasn’t stopped him from pursuing his dream of becoming the next online hip-hop sensation. “Most rappers are able to spit bars about coming from nothing and fighting a powerful system that oppresses them at every turn, but I don’t have that option,” said Monahugh, buffing out a scratch in the Yeezy’s gifted to him on his 17th birthday.  “I wish I could rap about proving all my haters wrong, but everyone I talk to is so goddamn supportive,” exclaimed a… Keep Reading

Local/Politics

Lucky Couple Win Big With NRA Sponsored Trip For Two To Yemen

By: Philip Lindsey GARY, IN—“HOLY SHIT!” shouted Sara Lounsbury-Carter, 27, and David Lounsbury-Carter, 28,  minutes after holding up the winning raffle ticket. The couple are the first to win a two day all expenses paid trip to the war torn country of Yemen, courtesy of the NRA. Bushmaster AR-15 rounds ricocheted around the room in celebration while NRA Chapter President John K. Robert had some choice words for the couple. “This is going to be an eye opening experience for you kids. Go see what the world’s like and give ‘em hell.” In a bid to strengthen relations with a… Keep Reading

Health/Local

Death Obsessed Toddler Treating Plane Turbulence Like Roller Coaster

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—On Monday morning, the death obsessed toddler in seat 7G treated Flight 275 to Chicago’s turbulence like a roller coaster, lifting his arms and screaming with each sudden drop like a twisted little fuck. Paying no heed to the lovers of life seated around him, the tiny nihilist willfully spread his disregard for animated consciousness with each yelp of joy, infecting everyone in the cabin with his virus-like ideology. Aboard the flight was businesswoman Becca Tulsa, who recalled her initial perceptions of the boy. “His crusty mouth, tousled brown hair, and Wild Kratts t-shirt seemed completely… Keep Reading

Entertainment/Food/Drink/Local/Social

Remember Kirby? Well Now He’s Jacked And Wants You To Eat Sushi Off His Abs

By: Jack Hutsey It was supposed to be a nice date night with your boo, to celebrate 18 months of conjugal, millennial bliss. You made reservations three months ago for the hottest new sushi place, Trukake. It’s one of those elegant, post-hip places where you eat California rolls off some hard body. You get seated at your table and they bring out warm sake. Then you see him. Kirby. Fucking Kirby from your GameBoy. But he’s not a pink sphere anymore. He is fucking chiseled. Every muscle defined like a Renaissance sculpture. Delts, pecs, lats, abs, ‘ceps of both bi… Keep Reading

Holiday/Local/Sports

Local Dads Say “No” To Father’s Day Gifts, Insist Winning Tee-ball Team Only Option

By: Mackenzie Moore SHERMAN OAKS, CA—A conglomerate of Los Angeles dads have raised a request to their children this Father’s Day: no gifts, just a winning team. The drive past the Balboa Park tee-ball fields is indeed grim these days. On any given Saturday, kids can be seen throwing handfuls of grass at each other, or striking out time after time at the tee. “We’ve noticed a decline in the quality of the league over the past few years,” assistant coach Ben Renck bemoaned over his iced cortado at Little Wizard Coffee. He leaned in, covering the ears of his… Keep Reading

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