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Word Brothel - page 3

Word Brothel has 379 articles published.

Celebrity/Entertainment/Social

Notorious Rascal Pete Davidson Simultaneously Dating Every SNL Cast Member

By: Simon Tessmer NEW YORK– Saturday Night Live actor and comedian Pete Davidson, famous for dating mega celebrities and crossing boundaries with his comedy, is romantically involved with every current SNL cast member simultaneously. After ending his engagement with Ariana Grande and being spotted around New York City with Kate Beckinsale, for Davidson dating all his coworkers at the same time was very much, “the next logical step.” “I don’t know what to tell you man, they’re all super hot and obviously hilarious,” said Davidson in the Comedy Cellar green room. “Things started getting frisky between me and Beck, Kenan… Keep Reading

Food/Drink/Health/Local

Mother Loves Son Enough To Cut Up Hot Dog, Not Enough To Buy Healthier Food

By: Maximilian Stolte BOULDER, CO—Local single mother, Gretchen Ellsworth, is not only a hardworking and loving maternal force in young Dylan’s life, but an inspiration to single mothers the world over. She works two jobs, takes Dylan to band rehearsal and soccer practice, and even cuts up his hot dogs when she makes him lunch. Unfortunately, she does not love her son enough to go through the hassle of picking out fresh produce and eating it before it goes bad. Paying the extra price for health food just isn’t an option for a struggling mother trying to make ends meet… Keep Reading

Local/Sports

Powerlifter Heroically Lifts Car Off Trapped Man Only To Crush Himself After Dropping Weight In Celebration

By: Graham Reinbold Lancing, MI—Local powerlifter Bryce Rubin’s heroic deadlift of a 2005 Toyota Camry, ended in tragedy yesterday morning. While Rubin originally hoped to save the 32-year-old father of three trapped underneath the flaming sedan, some lines were clearly blurred in the heat of competition.  After successfully clearing the car off the injured driver: “My mind went blank and I did what I always do after a big lift. Scream till my forehead veins hurt, and drop the weight to celebrate. At first I thought someone spilled a cherry pie…then I realized my mistake.” Said a visibly shaken Rubin,… Keep Reading

Soderbergh Announces Upcoming Project Shot Entirely On Ford Fiesta Backup Camera

By: Simon Tessmer LOS ANGELES, CA—Director Steven Soderbergh, hot off the production of two iPhone shot films, has announced his upcoming project will be filmed entirely on the backup camera of a Ford Fiesta. Famous for challenging himself and pushing the boundaries of indie cinema, the director’s period drama Shadows of the Fallen began shooting early this week and is slated for release next year. “I used an iPhone to push myself further after mastering being my own cinematographer and editor, but the high wore off quicker than I anticipated,” remarked Soderbergh after his first day of filming. “I knew… Keep Reading

Food/Drink/Health

Heath Bar, Not Health Bar, Leaves Millions Confused, Off Diet Plan

By: Josie Benedetti HAZELTON, PA—Hershey released a statement this morning in response to outcries across the country over the Heath Bar, which an estimated 3.8 million people had confused for a Health Bar. This error left millions of Americans off their diet plans, some of which had been going strong since January 1st of 2019. “We want to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize to all those affected. In our failure to properly assess the implications of a name like Heath, which is one very thin, barely visible letter away from health, we have unwittingly put our dedicated customers in… Keep Reading

Local

Dumb Asshole From High School Now In Charge Of Choosing Who Lives And Who Dies

By: Danny Neary FORT WAYNE, IN—Area man, Eric Romaker, known by for being one of the dumbest jerks from high school, is currently entrusted with deciding who lives and who dies. A former whip-its enthusiast and a smooth brained imbecile, Romaker has turned his life around by going through minor screening and being given far too much responsibility. Former classmates of Romaker remember him for his incessant quoting of the 2009 film The Hangover, his belief that the NBA is racist towards white guys, and for the time he ran over himself with his own car. “That idiot used to… Keep Reading

Local/Social

Dude Smoking CBD Vape Only Slightly Chill As Fuck

By: Maximilian Stolte LOS ANGELES, CA—Around 4PM today, in an alley outside of Greener Pastures Dispensary, record store sales associate and pretty chill dude, Cam Porter was seen ripping a CBD vape pen and blowing out quite the cloud. Passersby took note of his calm and cool demeanor, as well as his Radiohead shirt which led most to believe that he’s probably pretty cool, but not necessarily chill as fuck. Porter enjoyed the medicinal benefits of CBD such as reduced anxiety and relieved wrist pain from his record spinning related carpal tunnel without any of the psychoactive properties of marijuana… Keep Reading

Food/Drink/Health/Local/Science

“Menstruation Is Normal!” Screams Woman Drowning Entire Shake Shack With Her Period Blood

By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—More than a dozen people were killed and hundreds more were hospitalized Wednesday when Jackolyn O’Connor, 22, decided to grab a burger from Shake Shack and instead unleashed a torrent of red, hot lady juice on unsuspecting Shack Shake goers. O’Connor, on her way home from an Ethical Dilemmas in Feminism course at DePaul University, was placing her order for a large peanut butter milkshake, cheese fries with extra cheese, and two shack stack burgers when she looked down to find the white tile floor covered with 2-3 inches of extra chunky human salsa emanating from… Keep Reading

Zuckerberg Releases Nightmarish Trove Of Trump Dick Pics In Failed Attempt To Win Back Public Support

By: Simon Tessmer PALO ALTO, CA—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has released thousands of photographs of the president’s ugly penis in the hopes of capitalizing on anti-Trump sentiment and improving his public image. Despite tepid, perfunctory support from the Men’s Rights Activism movement, Zuckerberg has earned near-universal criticism and embroiled the globe in debilitating nausea.   “Our data from the past year indicated a widespread interest in Donald Trump’s sexual transgressions,” Zuckerberg explained in his home office. “The terms ‘Trump’ and ‘penis’ appeared in users’ texts, emails, and phone conversations at a markedly increased rate since Stormy Daniels’ book was published.… Keep Reading

Food/Drink/Health/Science

9 Out Of 10 Old-Timey Doctors Agree Whiskey Will Cure Everything

By: Cassandra Vandersands In a really old study published 6,257 weeks ago, doctors with PhDs from nowhere discovered a cure to everything. Through years of non-clinical trials, old-timey medicine men concluded in no uncertain terms that whiskey can fix nearly anything from gunshot wounds to gonorrhea. Yessir, this number one cure-all is the magic bullet that you and your dearest loved ones need to make it through the harsh winter months and those sluggish summer days. One drop of this elixir can make you stronger, faster, and prettier than a $30 steed, but why stop at one drop when two… Keep Reading

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