You Won’t Believe These 5 Things We Just Made Up!

Let’s be honest, you didn’t come here to read some shitty preamble. Let’s just get on with the list already.

1. JFK’s favorite breakfast was spaghetti.

This might come as a surprise, but we don’t know very much about America’s most recently assassinated president. It would be an interesting factoid if it were true, alas it’s just a fabrication of our imagination.

2. There are no insurance fraud laws in Canada.

Canada just seems better and better the more you learn about it. However, it’s in your best interest to forget this insider info because it could land you in a Canadian prison. And here you were thinking you’re going to learn something aboot those hosers just above the Great Lakes there.

3. Aubrey Plaza has been alive since the Cretaceous Period and could live another 100,000 years.

What’s most unbelievable about this one is, well, humans weren’t even alive that long ago. Some would argue the Earth is only a few thousand years old, making this all the more unbelievable. We suppose people will believe all sorts of crazy shit, so maybe it’s not so crazy we made this up. Plus Aubrey Plaza doesn’t look that old.

4. There was election fraud in the 2020 election that favored Joe Biden and caused Donald Trump to lose.

Why would we make this up? It’s pretty unbelievable. Nobody is going to buy this. People are buying this? No shit. We might as well make a list called “We Won’t Believe These 5 Things You Believed That We Made Up”. Certainly not something we would read, but maybe you would. I mean, here you are 4 items down on a list of what you knew was bullshit.

5. Congratulations! You’re the 1 millionth person to read this far on our list! Subscribe to our magazine and we will send you a special prize!

Listen, there’s no way that many people read this far. There’s also no way that many people even read the headline. But since you did, we will seriously send you some free shit. It’s like an easter egg. All you have to do is subscribe at www.patreon.com/wordbrothel or purchase the magazine in our shop on this very website!

6. Ice-T is a member of ICE.

Feels like we kind of cheated you by putting that self-promotion in the last one, so we’re making amends with an extra list item. He went from rapper Ice-T who had a song called “Cop Killer” to a cop on TV, so the next logical step is for him to actually become a fascist enabling government drone. Not too hard to believe following that logic, but depending on how you read the title of this article it still fits. Our hope is you won’t believe that we would waste our time making this up, not that you won’t believe that the claim is true. Probably wish you had stopped at #5 now, huh?