US Supreme Court Lands Taco Bell Sponsorship Deal

By: Jake Dierksheide

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After many months of negotiations a sponsorship agreement has finally been reached between The Supreme Court of the United States of America and popular chain restaurant Taco Bell. The deal was announced through a joint conference in front of the United States Supreme Court building, and marks the first time that Taco Bell has sponsored a major branch of the federal government.

“We are really excited to have the opportunity to work with these esteemed judges” stated Taco Bell spokesperson Martha Janssen, “The Supreme Court and Taco Bell are complementary institutions: we push the boundaries of Mexican American cuisine, just as they uphold the boundaries of a system of co-equal branches of governing.”

The sponsorship deal will require all Justices to wear new purple robes embroidered with the iconic Bell logo, and stylish Taco Bell Team member caps. All published majority and dissenting opinions are mandated to invoke the phrase ‘Live Mas’ on at least 4 occasions. Additionally, the branch itself will also be renamed to the ‘Taco Bell’s United States’ Crunch Wrap Supreme Court’.

Justice Elena Kagan, who was very involved in the negotiation, expressed excitement about the deal being reached: “We are the biggest fans of the Bell. Literally when we walk into the one on Massachusetts Avenue we don’t even have to say our order, they just know like ‘Oh Elena’s definitely getting her classic 2 cheesy bean and rice burritos, a doritos locos taco, and a side of the cinnamon twists.’ It’s kinda like our Cheers. We came in with Gorsuch for the first time and they were all like ‘What?? Who’s this guy?’ It was hilarious.”

Some political analysts have expressed concern in the legality of having a private corporation exercising this amount of control over the highest court in the United States. When confronted with these concerns, Chief Justice John Roberts simply responded: “Sue us.”