Turns Out Donkey Kong Is Real And He’s Pissed At The Church Of Latter Day Saints
TOKYO, JAPAN—The giant ape and princess kidnapper, Donkey Kong, has been a character in many Nintendo games throughout the years. What many fail to recognize is that this character is based on a very real primate and he has a major bone to pick with The Church of Latter Day Saints; and he may soon be picking his teeth with the bones of Mormon followers.
Measuring an impressive 8’4” slumped over on his large knuckles, Donkey Kong has the strength of roughly 2,000 average men combined. This fact alone should strike fear into the heart of every Mormon man, woman, and child, yet followers of Brother Joseph Smith still refuse to acknowledge the existence of Donkey Kong. Experts believe this oversight will usher in a new era of Mormon genocide at the hands of the ferocious, tie-wearing monkey.
Considering the wide array of inconsistencies in the church’s belief system, it’s no wonder that the ape is furious. “Jesus living in America? Gold plates that nobody’s seen but Joseph Smith supposedly inscribed by God? That all makes sense, but I guess a monkey that works for an evil lizard is too far fetched for these assholes,” a more than slightly perturbed Kong told us. Beating his chest, he booked a flight to Salt Lake City where he plans to viciously maul as many Mormons as he can. He’s gone as far as comparing the inevitable carnage to the fighting polygon level of Super Smash Bros on N64.
Bowser, who is equally respected and feared by the church and its congregation, refused to comment. Although, it is safe to assume based on his stance against the Mormon youths practice of soaking (frictionless vaginal penetration that is somehow not a sin in the eyes of God) that he isn’t happy with Mormons about the Donkey Kong thing either. If they can fool God by inserting a penis into a woman and not humping, why couldn’t they just pretend to believe in Donkey Kong before he sends them to meet their maker?
As of the moment this was published, DK plans to show them no mercy or forgiveness. You don’t just get to believe in something once you’ve seen it and Kong believes that should be apparent to Mormons more than anyone. In his own words, “The last thing they will see as they cling helplessly to their brothers and sister wives are my enormous fists squashing them into a bloody pulp.”