Almost 50 Years After ‘Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door’ God Still Won’t Let Bob Dylan Die
Bob Dylan has been knockin’ at Heaven’s door for nearly half a century. On the brink of death and seeking salvation for 50 years has left the best selling American folk musician in a constant state of torment. As he reaches the ripe age of 80, the almighty still refuses to let him die.
Bob Dylan’s song “With God on Our Side” is cited as one of the reason’s God is holding the singer/songwriter in a real life purgatory. Its critical analysis of the deity and subsequently the followers rubbed God the wrong way and now Dylan is unable to leave this plane of existence and enter the kingdom of Heaven no matter how hard he tries.
“I saved a bus of orphans from crashing off of a cliff. Sustained injuries that would kill me if, I wasn’t God’s least favorite one. I bet he would kill me if I was his son,” Dylan sang to us, as he did the entire fucking interview.
By his own admission, Dylan has tried to die upwards of 800 times in ways he thinks would redeem him for God knows what. And apparently, God does know what.
We had a chance to sit down with God and learned that the blasphemous song isn’t the only reason Mr. Dylan is tortured by immortality. “Look, seeing and knowing everything gets boring sometimes. I’ve watched every show on Netflix, Hulu, and HBOMax as well as everything every person will ever think, say, or feel. Robert [Dylan] is just a fun little project for me. Like when a kid puts a spider in a jar and it can’t climb up because the glass is too slippery. That’s why I will never let him into Heaven.”
Try as he may, poor Bob Dylan doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell of getting into Heaven. He will be forced to perform sold out show after sold out show until humanity is finally at peace with one another and all injustices have been rectified. God has assured us that this will never happen and Dylan will have to watch history repeat itself over and over for all of conceivable time or until He gets bored and floods the planet again.