Donald Trump

Trump Pardons Whitest Turkey With Longest List Of Sexual Harassment Allegations And Civil Rights Violations

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By: Maximilian Stolte

Just as each president before him did, Donald Trump continued the tradition of granting a pardon to one turkey for this Thanksgiving holiday. In keeping with Donald Trump’s new pardoning tradition, the turkey pardoned was none other than George Wallace III. Beyond being the whitest turkey the president could find, this turkey also has a troubling past.
Recent allegations against this turkey for sexual harassment and assault number in the twenties. Many of the female turkeys either wished to remain anonymous or were murdered for Thanksgiving dinner (and to quiet them). “He was always commenting on my legs and thighs, even my breasts. Sometimes he would put his beak on them and just stare at me. It was very uncomfortable,” commented one female fowl.

That’s not even the tip of the iceberg on how malevolent this particular turkey is. Amongst the turkey community, Wallace was considered the catalyst for the resurgence of the white meat supremacy movement. He was even quoted saying, “White meat is the right meat. Dark meat is disgusting. Feathers of white it’s alright, feathers of brown turn them down!” His racist remarks have been controversial in the past, but with Trump’s recent pardon of the problematic poultry, many other domestic birds are viewing this behavior as acceptable. He’s also been cited by the ACLU for illegal hiring practices and housing discrimination.
President Trump had this to say about his decision, “Look, I pardoned a good turkey. He’s not a bad turkey like everyone says. And everyone says that, but it’s just not true. It’s not. There’s bad birds coming across our borders and nobody wants to talk about that. They call it migration. That’s what the liberal fake news media wants to call illegal immigrant birds: migrators. Just look at Mexico’s flag. An eagle with a snake. That’s evil. That’s not America. Disgusting. Sad.”