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Mother Loves Son Enough To Cut Up Hot Dog, Not Enough To Buy Healthier Food

By: Maximilian Stolte BOULDER, CO—Local single mother, Gretchen Ellsworth, is not only a hardworking and loving maternal force in young Dylan’s life, but an inspiration to single mothers the world over. She works two jobs, takes Dylan to band rehearsal and soccer practice, and even cuts up his hot dogs when she makes him lunch. Unfortunately, she does not love her son enough to go through the hassle of picking out fresh produce and eating it before it goes bad. Paying the extra price for health food just isn’t an option for a struggling mother trying to make ends meet… … Keep Reading


Heath Bar, Not Health Bar, Leaves Millions Confused, Off Diet Plan

By: Josie Benedetti HAZELTON, PA—Hershey released a statement this morning in response to outcries across the country over the Heath Bar, which an estimated 3.8 million people had confused for a Health Bar. This error left millions of Americans off their diet plans, some of which had been going strong since January 1st of 2019. “We want to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize to all those affected. In our failure to properly assess the implications of a name like Heath, which is one very thin, barely visible letter away from health, we have unwittingly put our dedicated customers in… … Keep Reading


“Menstruation Is Normal!” Screams Woman Drowning Entire Shake Shack With Her Period Blood

By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—More than a dozen people were killed and hundreds more were hospitalized Wednesday when Jackolyn O’Connor, 22, decided to grab a burger from Shake Shack and instead unleashed a torrent of red, hot lady juice on unsuspecting Shack Shake goers. O’Connor, on her way home from an Ethical Dilemmas in Feminism course at DePaul University, was placing her order for a large peanut butter milkshake, cheese fries with extra cheese, and two shack stack burgers when she looked down to find the white tile floor covered with 2-3 inches of extra chunky human salsa emanating from… … Keep Reading


9 Out Of 10 Old-Timey Doctors Agree Whiskey Will Cure Everything

By: Cassandra Vandersands In a really old study published 6,257 weeks ago, doctors with PhDs from nowhere discovered a cure to everything. Through years of non-clinical trials, old-timey medicine men concluded in no uncertain terms that whiskey can fix nearly anything from gunshot wounds to gonorrhea. Yessir, this number one cure-all is the magic bullet that you and your dearest loved ones need to make it through the harsh winter months and those sluggish summer days. One drop of this elixir can make you stronger, faster, and prettier than a $30 steed, but why stop at one drop when two… … Keep Reading


Man Carefully Prepares Week Worth Of Meals To Throw In Garbage On Saturday

By: Jake Dierksheide Chicago, IL — Diligently dividing up portions of a Kale Pesto Pasta into individual pyrex containers, Jack Davis produces 5 homemade lunches for his 9-5 work week, all of which destined to be thrown into the garbage the following weekend. “I’m really trying to push myself to eat healthier and spend less money on food,” claimed Jack on Sunday evening. This was one day before he would determine himself deserving of a Chipotle burrito bowl for, “making it through Monday morning,” implicitly deciding to bring his unappealing home cooking back with home to him. “It’s so easy… … Keep Reading


Husband Released Back Into Society After Fad Diet

By: Mike Maxwell Palatine, IL –This Friday marked the triumphant close of a grueling journey for Ryan Knowles as he finished his first ever relationship induced dieting regiment. Knowles, a husband to soulmate Kasha, has avoided three joint dieting efforts. The Whole 30 will forever be his caloric nemesis. Wikipedia summarizes The Whole 30 as a fad diet that emphasizes whole foods in which participants eliminate sugar, alcohol, grains, legumes, soy, dairy, and social acceptance. “Kasha tried to get me on a cleanse back when we dated, then it was going vegan which was pointless because I lived a half… … Keep Reading


I Look Fat In Pictures Because I’m Fat

By: Madeleine Russell There’s an old episode of Friends where the gang is watching old home movies of fat, young Monica and her BFF Rachel going to prom. Monica, horrified at her rotund, disgusting, unfuckable, inexcusable fatness declares, “The camera adds 10 pounds!” And Chandler, that old rascal, responds, “How many cameras are on you right now?” Everyone has a good chuckle at Monica’s expense. She looks fat in that home movie….because she is fat. We’re all fat. We all look fat in pictures. America is the fattest country on earth. Fatter than France and they shoot foie gras out… … Keep Reading


Hospital Patient Would Rather Die Than Ask If IV Air Bubbles Are Safe

By: Jake Dierksheide CHARLESTON, SC – Christopher Horn, a 28-year-old financial analyst, has spent the past 18 minutes watching a pea-sized bubble in his antibiotic drip slowly make its way down the 10 feet of plastic tubing toward his left wrist, unsure whether the idea that air in the bloodstream will cause an immediate heart attack is fact or fiction. He first had hoped someone would come in making the normal rounds and notice the bubble before he would have to bring it up. However, as the pocket of air grows closer to his body, it has become increasingly clear… … Keep Reading


Get That Hot Summer Bod Using Ed Sheeran’s New Fad Diet

5/3/2017 By: Erika Hakmiller Awww, who’s that cute widdle ba…Oh. Wait. That is a full grown man. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, despite the flawless skin, big eyes, and childlike charm, this picture is of 26-year-old Ed Sheeran. How does he look so young? He follows a strict diet and exercise plan inspired by preschoolers that, according to the man-baby himself, keeps both his body AND mind young. If you follow his method, you’re sure to be in love with the shape of YOU this summer. Ed Sheeran starts every morning like most children, by waking up in his crib… … Keep Reading


Study Shows Average Person Swallows Whole Head Of Fast Food Employee Hair Each Year

3/30/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Fast food consumers have decreased their intake and started opting for healthier food on the go over the past decade. Thanks to a new study by food scientists at Columbia University, that number may drop even more. Their shocking new study shows that the average fast food customer swallows 100,000 fast food employee hairs every year; that’s an entire human head’s worth of hair! Let’s break down the statistics here for our mathematically challenged readers. This is the average fast food eater. If you primarily cook at home or eat at sit down restaurants, this statistic… … Keep Reading

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