By: Josie Benedetti
CHICAGO, IL—More than a dozen people were killed and hundreds more were hospitalized Wednesday when Jackolyn O’Connor, 22, decided to grab a burger from Shake Shack and instead unleashed a torrent of red, hot lady juice on unsuspecting Shack Shake goers.
O’Connor, on her way home from an Ethical Dilemmas in Feminism course at DePaul University, was placing her order for a large peanut butter milkshake, cheese fries with extra cheese, and two shack stack burgers when she looked down to find the white tile floor covered with 2-3 inches of extra chunky human salsa emanating from the crotch of her grey sweatpants.
O’Connor attempted to assure Shack-ers that there was no reason to panic, shouting, “This is a very natural process that most women encounter every month. There is absolutely nothing to fear about periods except for the stigma that surrounds them,” but the sea of bloody splooge had already swept away most of the remaining guests.
“It was a horrifying reminder of what Mother Nature is capable of, ” said Josh Clary, Shake Shack manager, “I was awestruck by the sheer volume and viscosity of it. It was a relentless stream of crotch sangria. I lost some of my best men.”
“I’ve heard stories about periods but witnessing it in person, there’s no way anything could have prepared me.” said police chief, Jack Cohen, “I was completely submerged in warm, sticky uterine pudding. I had no idea which way was up. I’m still finding chunks of womanhood in my nose, ears, and other orifices even days later.”
FEMA was on the scene as mucus soaked children were removed from the carnage. “We were just trying to enjoy our concretes,” said one mother, frantically searching for her son. “Jacob, my son, had never heard of a period before. I tried to protect him. I held on to him as long as I could but the flow was too heavy. A chunk of uterine lining the size of a newborn baby knocked me out cold. I am all for feminism, but my son was robbed of his childhood today. This has gone too far.”
“Menstruation is a natural and normal process,” said O’Connor, standing her ground, in a pool of 3-4 feet of what looked like the scrap bin from every butcher shop in New York, “I don’t understand why everybody is making such a big deal about a little leak.”