By: Maximilian Stolte
Congress has passed a new bill that will effectively require all potential patients seeking abortion to undergo a medical procedure that many find controversial and unnecessary. The operation is described by leading Christian medical professionals as “basically the Neuralyzer from Men In Black, but it only makes the mom forget how completely fucked the planet and all its people are”.
The legislation passed with overwhelming support from Republicans who argued that were a woman to be conscious of the state of humanity, they would indefinitely choose not to bring another human life into the abysmal void of our hopeless existence. With a democrat minority in the House and Senate, it was near impossible that hopeful abortion recipients would be able to make the “moral” choice while simultaneously possessing the knowledge that our education system is in shambles, the economy is in the toilet, and nothing will be done to alleviate anything for the foreseeable future.
According to one senator, “If a woman wants to abort her baby, she should have to undergo an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind type scenario wherein she forgets about the rotting decay of modern society the same way Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet forget about their failed relationship”. As tears began to well up in his eyes, he followed up saying that “the movie wasn’t sad at all and reaffirmed my belief that marriage should only be between a man and a woman”.
It’s important to point out that Democrats are holding their ground on the issue and have introduced a bill that would make having a baby a felony. The left is so invested in demonizing baby-making that one Senator moved that pregnancy be a crime punishable by death in order to spare potential children from the steaming pile of excrement that is inhabiting Earth.