Drunk Man “Likes” All Of Crush’s Most Recent Facebook Posts
By: Maximilian Stolte
PITTSBURGH, PA—At 4AM this morning, Luke Melson logged onto Facebook and scrolled through his newsfeed. As he breezed past the memes, videos, and articles, something caught his attention: a picture of Anna Jackson, who is both his high school and current crush.
Sources say the two haven’t talked much since high school, and even then they didn’t talk all that much. Those closest to Luke revealed that his infatuation with Anna was one of his biggest secrets, one they would never tell the public. However, they were willing to talk to reporters about it after he virtually let the cat out of the bag to Anna and all her friends by hitting “like” on all of her most recent posts and her last seven profile pictures in the wee hours of a whiskey fueled night.
“It’s always been something only the guys who hung out with Luke knew,” Brian told reporters, “…now that he pulled that giant boner, we can finally be unburdened by his deepest secret being trusted to us.”
When asked to comment on the passive aggressive unveiling of his feelings for her, Anna had only this to say: “Luke drunkenly Facebook stalked me last night and I woke up to like 12 notifications from him. I asked him for help on a math test once, but other than that I don’t really know him. He poked me too.”
Luke could not be reached for comment, but one of “the guys” who wishes to remain anonymous told reporters that he planned on un-liking all of the posts and pictures, but passed out before he could do so. Those closest to Luke say he has been checking her profile every hour to see if his pending friend request was accepted after she deleted him this morning.