By: Daniel Wightkin
HEAVEN, IL—Assuring Himself that this time around would be different, God, the Everlasting Father, reportedly decided on Tuesday to send His son, Jesus, back to Earth for the Four Thousand And Fifteenth Coming of Christ. “Hmm, I haven’t tried starting in Canada for a while and they seem to be doing okay considering everything that is going on down there right now,” muttered the Almighty to Himself, trying to ignore the nagging fact that the previous four thousand and fourteen attempts to save His creation ended in utter disaster.
“Thankfully stoning is out of fashion, so maybe He can actually gain some followers instead of being killed by an angry mob for blasphemy. Though my biggest worry is that they will just end up throwing Him in an insane asylum again,” continued the Creator of the universe, fretting that His son’s miracles will be once more written off as mere hoax videos, which has been the trend ever since the introduction of the camcorder. “Ugh, I know it can be done because attempt 2,564 during the Black Death was so close to succeeding and 3,340 in Egypt wasn’t half bad either, if only He didn’t slip and fall down the stairs on that one.”
“You’d think with so many people being true believers, they would recognize the Messiah the instant they saw Him, but He never seems to gain any traction,” mused Our Lord, reflecting on the hundreds of false prophets that ended up being more popular the Lamb of God ever managed to be on His subsequent returns to Earth. “I mean- fuck, even Jim Jones got more followers in a few years than He did total in the 20th century. I can’t let that get to me though, gotta stay positive. And I don’t want to jinx anything, but I have a good feeling about this one.”
At press time, a begrudging King of Kings started gearing up for the 4,016th attempt at Judgment Day since the woman selected to carry the Prince of Peace had just walked into an an Ottawa abortion clinic.