By: Allie Rubin
A group of brave, handsome male comedians convened a press conference following Louis C.K.’s surprise stand-up set at the Comedy Cellar on Monday to announce that they had finally deemed the comedian, 50, worthy of their forgiveness.
“Too long has the world been deprived of Louis C.K.’s unique voice,” announced Josh Robertson, 28, who performs on the all-male Chicago indie improv team ‘Prostitots.’
“We believe that Louis’s nine months spent traveling in Europe have been adequate punishment for his minor indiscretions. We have carefully considered the situation and are thrilled to announce, on behalf of all male comedians, that we forgive him.”
The council, which was convened after its members met on a particularly acrimonious 227-comment Facebook thread, unanimously supported the decision. Josh Thomas, 24, expressed his belief that Louis C.K., who admitted to cornering numerous terrified women and sexually humiliating them in a flagrant abuse of power, had suffered long enough. “I mean, how long are we supposed to punish him for? Nine months? Ten? Eleven? It’s ridiculous.”
“You’re welcome, America,” Thomas added, before leaving for an improv show in which he hilariously pretended to honk the breasts of his team’s only female member.
The council expressed their consensus that Louis C.K., despite having expressed little remorse for his actions, was indeed worthy of redemption. “We’ve done the research,” said comedian Josh Spencer, 29, pointing to a crude timeline stretching from November 2017 to August 2018. “No man should have to remain silent for so long. It’s inhumane.”
“I mean, you have to separate the art from the artist,” continued Spencer, who once delighted a live audience by yelling “TITS” as the suggestion at an improv show. “We thought about it long and hard, but ultimately we agreed that Louis C.K.’s art was just more important than any of the women he may have interacted with as an artist.”
“If I weren’t allowed to create MY art for nine months, that would certainly be punishment enough for me,” remarked Josh Williams, 23, whose most recent stand-up set courageously detailed his efforts to text unsolicited pictures of his penis to as many women as possible. “At this point, it’s clear to us that he’s suffered more than the women he’s abused.”
“Besides,” Robertson added, “what he did wasn’t technically rape. And even if it were, most women lie about being raped anyway because they want all the perks that come with accusing a powerful millionaire of sexual assault. We as a council think that it’s time to move on now and end this traumatic chapter in Louis C.K.’s life.”
The council of glass-ceiling-shattering men ended their press conference by bravely welcoming Louis CK back to the community and setting their sights on their next goal: clearing the name of Roman Polanski, who was convicted of statutory rape in 1978. “I mean, it’s not like he’s a murderer,” announced an incredulous Thomas. “It’s our job to make sure this country remains a safe space for great male artists.”