Elderly People Reverse Mrs. Doubtfiring To Throw COVD-19 Off Their Trail
By: Maximilian Stolte
SAN FRANSISCO, CA—The elderly of America are taking a page out of Daniel Hillard’s book in the film Mrs. Doubtfire by disguising themselves, not to fool their ex-wife and her new boyfriend, but to confuse the pesky virus that has been running rampant worldwide. Older people have been shown to be especially susceptible to contracting and dying from the virus and are now doing what’s called a “reverse Mrs. Doubtfire” which involves dressing in sick fits and ripping Juuls on skateboards.
“We’ve found that the virus is agist and ableist as fuck,” woke scientist Dr. Miranda Villanova, 39, said at a CDC strategy meeting. “It’s targeting old people and people with compromised immune systems and the only effect means we have to stop it is by having these people dress up like healthy and dope ass youths like me, ya feel?”
Between finding the receipts for that damned skateboard they bought for their grandkid’s birthday and buying some serious swag from those companies, people over 60 are finding themselves spending more time and money than ever before on their appearance. Edith Burnswell struggles with keeping up with the youth, but has learned two TikTok dances, how to twerk, and has started tweeting about how her fat juicy pussy tested positive for having vice-strength grip.
Remembering to do anything can be difficult for people over a certain age. Remembering to put on prosthetics, blue/green wigs, fake ear/nose/eyebrow piercings, accessories, and change all of their ringtones to songs by Cardi B and Dua Lipa can be near impossible.
Edith told us of a close call at her local grocers: “Well I was at Ralph’s and forgot to put on my jumpsuit and my diamond encrusted gold fangs when all of a sudden an infected young man fresh from spring break in Florida walks in. Thank god I was in the bakery section and could slam my face into a pie with whipped cream on top. I greeted the boy saying, ‘Ay bruh, molly percocet, mask off.’ The boy laughed and said, ‘Facts my dude.’ The virus was so confused by my manner of speaking that it stayed in the youngin’ and waited for him to visit his parents and ask for more money to infect anyone.”
At press time Edith was seen in public absolutely slaying it in her Fashion Nova crop top and puffing on a fatty blunt of some medical grade cheeba.