DC Police Assert Capitol Building Attacked First

By: Katie Pecho

WASHINGTON D.C.—Chaos erupted in Washington Wednesday morning as several Trump supporters infiltrated the Capitol Building, but D.C. Police assured the public that there was no wrongdoing committed and their actions were justified because they were certain that the Capitol Building attacked first. 

“I know not everyone will be satisfied,” said Metropolitan Chief of Police Robert J. Contee, “but we have found that these rioters were justified in their use of force. Because, while their actions were technically unlawful, we have substantial evidence that it was in fact the Capitol Building, cooperating with Antifa, that initiated the attack.”

Contee maintained that, heavily armed with democracy, the inert, 220-year old house of legislation had provoked the rioters by its mere existence. Taking a long, slow puff of his asthma inhaler, he held that the non-terrorists were simply acting in self-defense. When pressed further to address the days’ violence and the flaccid response from police, Contee began to sweat and said briskly, “Look, there are very fine people on both sides. The Capitol was asking for it. Next question.”

Many officers echoed Contee’s sentiment, stating that most buildings are lawless. “The other day I went to the state penitentiary, a building filled with crime and criminals. If that’s not a litmus test for how all buildings should be treated, then I don’t know what is,” Officer O’Malley, a guard seen taking selfies with the protestors told reporters.

Contee leaned heavily on the podium and sharply wiped his brow with his uniform sleeve. He opened his mouth several times before finally saying, “Is it hot in here? I’m really hot under the collar.”

Deeply flushed, Contee fanned desperately at his face.

“Man, you guys are really firing questions at me,” he said, panting. “It’s like I can’t breathe.”