By: Jack Hutsey
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After hearing that President Donald Trump has a dick shaped like a mushroom, the nation is in a state of shock and rage. Never before in American history has the country been led by a man with a normal looking dick.
“This is unprecedented and quite frankly, unprofessional and unbecoming of the office of the presidency,” Arthur Patrick Gable, official Presidential Penis Historian and Curator of the Commander-in-Chief Dick Museum and Education Center, said.
It is the unspoken rule of the Presidency that the holder of the office must have a weird looking rod. Concave. Swirled. Conch. Trapezoidal. Elliptical. Each describes a strange looking boner that stemmed from the groin of a sitting US President.
“Each sitting American president has had their extraordinary phalli cast in plaster for posterity to admire and be awed,” Gable said, showing off the display of past president penises in glass and mahogany cases.
The temperature-controlled case stretched the length of a 40 foot wall, filled with plaster molds and wooden recreations of executive branches.
“A lot of people think George Washington was the first president because he got more votes than John Adams,” Gable said. “What actually happened was, Washington and Adams whipped it out and the country decided. Washington had an advantage since he actually had two dicks and Adams’ dick looked like a scorpion.”
Thomas Jefferson had a Cthulu penis that held the quill as he wrote the Declaration of Independence. William Henry Harrison’s member actually weakened his immune system, exacerbating his pneumonia, leading to his death. FDR named his penis “The New Deal” because it was an all-encompassing plan to reinvigorate the national economy.
“At this point, this is grounds for the 25th Amendment. This is grounds for a coup,” Gable declared, buffing a plaster mold of Calvin Coolidge’s double-helix dong.