Battle-Scarred Veterans Celebrate Victory In War On Drugs In Oregon

By: Max Stolte

EUGENE, OR—As reinforcements came in the form of ballots, warworn soldiers in the war on drugs claimed their final victory in Oregon as all drugs were decriminalized. These brave men and women fought tirelessly against their tyrannical oppressors both domestically and at home. As their service comes to an end we’re left to wonder, “Will the very government that fought against them take care of these soldiers when the war is over and the crack smoke clears?” For some, the answer isn’t so hopeful. 

IHOPs, TGIFridays, hell, even Sizzlers across the state are offering a 15% discount on meals for these noble veterans, however health benefits and college scholarships aren’t on the table. “We fought long and hard and lost a lot of good people. We were on the front lines in smoke-filled basements, 12-deep bathroom stalls full of dudes, and Phish shows across the country and all we want is a little respect and for a government who cares about us,” Lieutenant Geribald  “Tripster” McGillicutty told us. He earned his nickname after the battle when he dropped the bomb that he thought Cold War Kids were cool before anyone knew them while he was was on LSD.. 

Many who couldn’t fight on the battlefield themselves honored those who could in their own ways.

Reports of a flight leaving Portland that honored these courageous souls touched the hearts of many American civilians. A flight attendant holding back tears thanked nearly half of the plane for their service while the conscientious objectors and other straight up nerds saluted and applauded the heroic veterans. Despite stories like these tugging on the heartstrings of Americans, the government still refuses to heal the wounds of the suffering masses. Their stories, like many B-sides of psychedelic bands such as the Velvet Underground, went and go unheard.

After spending well over a trillion dollars on this war (that’s $1,000,000,000) the very least the federal government could do is take this as an example of the people’s will, accept this loss gracefully, and give back the rights of its citizens that it stripped them for being human and violating non-violent crimes.