By: Maxmilian Stolte
BOLGATANGA, GHANA— After helping to provide clean water and food to impoverished villagers and build a school, a youth group of Texas missionaries from St. Joseph’s Church in Bryan, TX made the unforgivable mistake of going on their way without mentioning Jesus whatsoever. While their efforts and cultural influence will not be forgotten by the locals, the salvation of Jesus Christ will not be enjoyed by those who reaped the rewards of good deeds in His holy name.
Taylor Robbins, 17, said she didn’t realize the error until they were at the airport. “I felt a great sense of accomplishment for helping those people, but I’ll never forgive myself for not handing out bibles and preaching the word of our Lord. We might as well not have done anything to help.”
While the village is significantly better off than it was before the Christian youths arrived, Aaron Atkinson believes it was all for naught. “Sure, we taught them a few things about how we live in America and improved their living conditions, for now, But what about their afterlife? By forgetting the most important part of our mission their, we’ve basically reserved a village-sized seating arrangement at the alter of Satan in hell,” he told reporters, anxiously rubbing the beads on his rosary.
The young people may have forgot to plug their savior, but they did leave some western influence behind. They taught them all about squad goals, dabbing, and how to hit a Juul so hard you can blind someone with your exhale vapors. Young Kweku, an especially receptive child to western culture, was even seen trying to play real life Fortnite after hearing all about the online game and having no access to internet. Two children lost eyes. Kweku verbally declared, “Hashtag sorry not sorry!” despite never having used social media.
“Well, Father Richards was awful sore when he heard we neglected to spread the glorious word of Jesus. To be honest, doing charity work for no reason at all felt a little off and we should have seen the red flags. I hope the rapture doesn’t happen before I have a chance to go back and save little Fenuku and Kofi from burning in hell for all of eternity, those dudes were chill af and got tons of views on my Instagram story,” commented a teary eyed Taylor Robbins.
The group has a shot at redemption next summer on their 2019 mission trip to Colombia, where they plan to hit the Jesus plugs twice as hard to make up for this year’s fiasco. If you’d like to help donate to their mission to bring Jesus to the godless people of the world, they ask that you Venmo whatever you can spare to @Word-Brothel today!