By: Allie Rubin
CHICAGO, IL—Scientists reported Wednesday that the abnormally cold temperatures recently recorded in Chicago are likely just a metaphor for the love life of local hairdresser Julia Rossi, 29. The severe winter weather, which was previously believed to have been an indirect result of global warming, is now interpreted to have resulted from Rossi’s recent breakup with the handsome yet commitment-phobic architect Benjamin Chase, 30.
“While some may be tempted to attribute these historically unprecedented temperatures of less than -20°F to the effects of man-made global warming, we instead opt for a simpler explanation,” stated climate scientist Dr. Harvey Pilsen of NOAA. “Namely, that this ‘polar vortex’ is a metaphor for the fact that Ms. Rossi’s recent breakup has left her heart feeling cold and isolated – much like the recent weather.”
“Just as we once believed that the continued warming of Earth’s stratosphere due to industrial activity has weakened and collapsed our planet’s polar vortices, so do we now believe that this winter weather reflects the fact that Benjamin Chase’s inability to settle down has weakened Julia Rossi’s capacity to love,” added Pilsen.
The scientist supported his hypothesis by pointing to recent events in Ms. Rossi’s life that correlated with recent weather phenomena, noting that her decision to turn over a new leaf and open her heart to Chase occurred as the autumn leaves first started to change, whereas the city’s most severe rainfall to date occurred during their first big fight.
Other climate scientists have announced their support for Dr. Pilsen’s findings. “We thought we knew that the dramatic retreat of our planet’s ice sheets over the last decade was due to man-made global warming – now, we know that it has been linked with Julia Rossi’s slow emotional retreat from letting any man get too close,” announced NASA climate scientist Annette Warwick. “This new discovery also indicates that this current dramatic cold snap represents her decision to shut all men out of her heart for good.”
“She tried to let him in, and she got burned,” continued a teary-eyed and shivering Dr. Warwick. “I just want to see them end up together. It would warm my heart, metaphorically as well as literally.”
Instead of working to curb emissions of the harmful gases that were once believed to accelerate global warming, scientists now believe the best course of action is to work with Chase to bring about a reconciliation with Rossi.
“We’re aiming for a tearful reunion in the early spring, perhaps while new flowers are just beginning to bloom,” hypothesized Pilsen, who recently requested twenty million dollars from the NSF to purchase a new dog for Chase, to symbolize his newfound ability to take care of someone other than himself.
Pilsen concluded the presentation of his results on Wednesday by thanking multiple sponsors for funding his research on climate change, including ExxonMobil, BP, and the Koch brothers.