By: Art O’Warren
The United States gained its independence through a long, bloody war and has been involved pretty regularly in wars ever since. We’ve lost many of our friends and family members through the atrocities of war over the years and now it’s time that we finally rank them. To avoid the risk of offending or slighting veterans involved in one war that just wasn’t as good as another, we will not, now or ever, divulge the parameters we used to creative this definitive ranking. Good luck trying to get upset over this one!
1. Mexican-American War (1846-1848)
Who could forget this classic war? Remember the Alamo? We sure do! This war comes in dead last of our ranking. Or is it first? You have no idea how this list works and could live a thousand lifetimes and not be any closer to figuring it out.
2. Korean War (1950-1953)
We definitely wouldn’t have the hit TV show M*A*S*H without this iconic war. Korea also wouldn’t have a good half and a bad half either (we won’t even say which is which on this, don’t ask). Not sure why it’s called “The Forgotten War” when my Uncle Bill won’t shut the hell up about all of his friend’s freezing to death there. Like all wars there are some really awesome and really awful things about The Korean War, but listing them out might hint as to how we ranked this list and we wouldn’t want that.
3. The Revolutionary War (1775-1783)
The British came, Paul Revere saw, and our nation conquered. Revolutionary in terms of everything we love about war. Definitely a major throwback, this was America’s first war and somehow not the first or last on our list. Do with that what you will.
4. World War I
World War One? More like World War WON! America was on a winning streak fighting our own wars, but this all-star mash-up was our first major assist. We had a lot of new technology and new ways to die painfully introduced in this banger, but is it better or worse than the one you just read? We literally cannot and will not say.
5. Gulf War (1990-1991)
A lot of you kiddos may not know, but this one was basically the prequel to the Iraq War. Only 80’s kids will remember when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait at the perfect time our country’s gas tank was running on empty. Major win for the U.S. for the time being, placing it right in the upper or lower middle of this list depending on how you think this thing is organized.
6. War of 1812 (1812-1815)
Whoever named this one did us ALL a major favor in history class. This one had colonists and Native Americans on the same side! If that doesn’t warm your heart, I don’t know which war will! Heartwarming as it may be, it was also a vicious and gruesome war and our description gets you nowhere closer to telling how we’re ranking these bad boys.
6. Vietnam War
Think of all the movies we wouldn’t have if it weren’t for this absolute banger of a war. Vietnam legit had Americans popping off from sea to shining sea. Both the most widely protested and the first time our nation caught a major L, this just goes to show Americans can be right and wrong at the same damn time.
5. Spanish-American War (1898)
We all remember this, the cuffing season of wars, one year skirmish. It was here and gone before we knew it, but we did get Teddy Roosevelt and the original Rough Riders Anthem (a lot more trumpet and fife in this one). Spain got stopped, dropped, and we shut em down and opened up shop. There are a lot of things this list definitely can’t be based on so far, but there’s no way you can find one thing it definitely IS based on.
4. War in Afghanistan (2001-Present)
More like AfghaniSTAN cuz it’s the only thing all three of our most recent presidents can agree we love being a part of! Let’s keep this one going fam. Ready to feel old? Children born the year this war started are finally old enough to die fighting in it! This one is a lot of people’s favorite and a lot of people’s least favorite. Unfortunately you have no clue how we feel about it.
3. Iraq War (2003-2011)
Talk about déjà vu! When Saddam Hussein (more like So-Damn Insane amirite?) conveniently started killing Kurds right when our gas tank was back on empty, the son of the guy who started it all came back to finish it (sort of). YAS KING SLAY! If it wasn’t for this fuckin’ bop of a war we wouldn’t have The Hurt Locker or ISIS. But you’d love for us to tell you how we feel about it compared to the others wouldn’t you? Never will.
2. World War II
This war had BIG D-Day energy! We tried our best to stay out of this one, but all the homies were getting in on the action, so you know we had to flex on em. Japan really dropped the ball when they tried to bomb our strategically placed island between them and ourselves, which gave us just enough reason to drop the big ones then stop Hitler from exterminating all of the Jews and taking over Europe and Asia. We come out smelling like roses once again and this war was both good and bad enough that you can’t tell where it falls on this definitive ranking of all U.S. wars.
1. American Civil War (1861-1865)
It all leads up (or down) to this, the best (or worst) war the U.S. was ever a part of. This one was unlike any other because it was only Americans so a real win-win situation for the old states. We got rid of slavery, killed a bunch of our own citizens, and created a fracture of culture, racism, and political difference that continues to plague our country and keep us at each other’s throats. If you can tell whether this was our favorite or least favorite based on that description, then you’re a fucking liar.