The Devil Who Went Down To Georgia Announces He’s Voting Blue
By: Beth Ann Powers
BUTTS COUNTY, GA—For the first time in 4.5 billion years, CEO of hell and human soul mogul, The Devil, publicly endorsed two political candidates for office this past Friday. With the Georgia runoff elections just around the corner, The Devil possessed Georgia native and devout Satanist, Wayne Brady, while he was hosting Let’s Make A Deal to declare his intentions to vote for Democratic nominees Rev. Raphael Warnock and John Ossoff for U.S. Senate.
“The biggest thing for me is the environment,” Devil said, “Global warming has really started to suck the fun out of eternal damnation. With all the fires burning down California, Australia, and the Amazon, people get down here and they’re like ‘Eh, been there, done that.’ That’s why I support the Green New Deal and why I’m voting blue this election.”
The Devil became a Georgia citizen in 1979, shortly after losing his infamous fiddle battle with the boy wonder known only as “Johnny.” Despite this humiliating defeat, the former angel admitted that he fell for “the goober state” harder than he fell from heaven after God cast him out.
“I knew if I was going to purchase Earth real estate, it would have to be in America,” said the Crowned Prince of Darkness. “Business is really booming in the states. An American soul goes for so cheap these days that it’s like people here are practically giving them away. Plus, I like peaches so it’s a win-win.”
Since becoming an American citizen, The Devil has been very active in the world of government, though publicly he has always identified as apolitical.
“Federal legislators are some of my best clients,” said the soul-sucking demon. “That’s why I try to remain neutral. I’ve made significant investments on both sides of the aisle, and I don’t want to alienate any potential future customers.”
While his decision to back the Democrats in the upcoming election threatens to put Hell’s virtual monopoly on the Senate majority’s souls in jeopardy, The Devil is confident that this sacrifice will be worth it for the good of his infernal empire. Before exorcising himself from Wayne Brady, The Devil finished off his speech with a resounding call to action.
“Let’s make living on earth at least slightly preferable to being in hell so people are scared of me again!”