Man Who Spent Years Fearing ISIS Ain’t Afraid Of Virus That Killed His Aunt, Is Afraid Of Vaccine
By: Rhea Porter
ASHEVILLE, NC—Patrick Swaller has spent the entirety of this millennium cowering in fear of the Islamic state of Iraq. Long before the terrorist attacks in 2001 that weren’t linked to Iraq in any way, but just after George H.W. Bush took an interest in middle eastern oil reserves, Patrick was convinced that a fringe terrorist group from Iraq would be successful in their attempts to make America an Islamic theocracy. To say that he has been stockpiling guns and ammo to prevent this eventuality would be a gross understatement.
Known as one of the most fearful and feared men in his town and possibly the entire state, Swaller has to everyone’s surprise remained fearless in the face of a global pandemic. While the virus can’t intimidate the Asheville local from going out to eat at the Applebee’s and grabbing a cold one at the VFW, the vaccine has him more concerned than ever.
“This damn Chinese hoax of a virus ain’t a scarin’ ol Patrick. That’s me, you gon’ tell them that’s me right? In the paper?” Patrick told reporters, adding, “That vaccine got robots in it and Bill Gates gon’ turn us all into pedophiles. I read it on Word Brothel, my favorite source for news that is real.” Patrick then insisted on showing us his entire arsenal and naming each gun; he provided a long list of letters and numbers that had little meaning to people who, like us, aren’t fucking insane.
When asked whether or not he thought it was rational to fear a terrorist group that has killed around 1,200 people outside of Iraq and Syria more than a virus that has killed hundreds of thousands in the US and millions worldwide, Patrick started talking about the deep state and parroted other Q-Anon buzzwords that had little meaning to anyone who, like us, is not batshit crazy.
“Here’s the thing, only shot I’m gettin’ is a shot from my AR-15. And that’s only when ISIS got me cornered and I got just one bullet left. Which will never happen ‘cause I bought every bullet in this town twice over. They been shipping ’em in from Charleston just to meet demand. GODDAMMIT ISIS COME GET YOU SOME!” he screamed belligerently before firing some bullets into his own drywall. “Don’t worry it’s some brick behind that drywall.”
In keeping with the time honored tradition of news outlets across America, we’ve done our due diligence and interviewed the dumbest piece of shit we could find. Now we hope you’ll assume the time honored tradition of media consumers and assume this represents the majority of Americans and live in fear. Hell, if you start thinking like this guy, we’ll be happy with that too. So long as we get fuckin’ paid who gives a shit? Fuck you.