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Light Yogurt Not Working As Substitution For Karen’s Existential Dread

By: Josie Benedetti Chicago, IL— Administrative Assistant Karen Bundy was looking for something to eliminate the crushing weight of her meaningless existence and some of that pesky weight from her midsection. She found that Yoplait’s new light yogurt options left her still hungry for death and more high calorie snacks later in the day. Bundy was on her morning commute Tuesday when absolutely nothing in her monotonous life changed at all. Coworker Tom Burgerstein reported that Bundy arrived looking worn down, robotic in her movements, and had a general lack of life behind her cold, dead eyes. At lunch, Bundy… … Keep Reading


Teeth Whitening Effects Wasted On Sad Woman Who Never Smiles

By: Maximilian Stolte Milwaukee, WI—Mary Pratt, 33, began a 30-day teeth whitening regimen that is entering its 28th day. At the beginning of her smile’s transformation, she had noticed significant difference in the shades of whiteness on her teeth in the mirror. Unfortunately she never got to share her glorious results with the world because she is so severely depressed that she never smiles. Her sadness is a mixture of regret and unfulfilled dreams that no confidence provided by oral hygiene could alleviate. No pearly white shine could erase the memories of Darryl and no grill, however ivory, could substitute… … Keep Reading


Finally! Donald Trump Released His Third Grade Diary

8/3/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte President Donald Trump has been under fire since even before he was elected for not releasing his tax returns. He has received flack for demanding Obama release his birth certificate and Hillary release her emails and simultaneously refusing to release his own personal documents under question. It seems today that he has attempted to make amends of his hypocrisy by releasing his third grade diary. Below are some entries from a third grade Donald Trump that provide some insight into the commander-in-chief’s past and present behavior. “Dear Dairy, Today at lunch I got picked on again.… … Keep Reading

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