By: Maximilian Stolte
Milwaukee, WI—Mary Pratt, 33, began a 30-day teeth whitening regimen that is entering its 28th day. At the beginning of her smile’s transformation, she had noticed significant difference in the shades of whiteness on her teeth in the mirror. Unfortunately she never got to share her glorious results with the world because she is so severely depressed that she never smiles.
Her sadness is a mixture of regret and unfulfilled dreams that no confidence provided by oral hygiene could alleviate. No pearly white shine could erase the memories of Darryl and no grill, however ivory, could substitute what could have been had she pursued her passion of the fine arts instead of taking a 9-5 and getting married at a young age. Any reason she once had to smile is a distant memory that only brings about tears when conjured.
As her teeth brightened and her smile became objectively more attractive, her mental depression increased with equal intensity. “There I was, looking at myself in the mirror that Darryl and I bought together. That piece of shit,” Pratt told reporters before sobbing heavily and becoming impossible to understand. The promise of a brighter smile in just 30 days went unfulfilled as the product failed to do the impossible: make Mary Pratt turn that frown upside down.
Her faith in guarantee-based product marketing was not shaken however. “This last month I’ve really been happy with my no-run mascara, my sweaters made of cat hair so nobody can tell how many cats I have, and last but not least my artificially intelligent robot who I’ve named Darryl who will never cheat on me with my cousin. All of those promises were kept by those companies. I wish people could keep promises like that.” Pratt said holding back tears, her mascara still looking great. While Pratt is entitled to her money back, she is choosing not to add insult to injury and cutting her losses.