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Most Annoying Co-Worker Blasting Christmas Music A Month Early

By: Mike Maxwell SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk. It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face… … Keep Reading

Guy Singing Meatloaf At Karaoke Might Actually Be Meatloaf

By: Jack Hutsey EDWARDSVILLE, IL—Chatters Bar and Grill in Edwardsville, IL has been the home of “Conceal and Karaoke” Thursdays for the past eight years. Patrons run the gamut of typical karaoke songs from Whitney Houston to Journey to Taylor Swift to the occasional Radiohead (Jeremiah Wheatley absolutely slays Paranoid Android). This past Thursday, the Chatters crowd was served with something categorically different. “Some guy was up there. He did a decent job with ​Paradise by the Dashboard Light​,” Ann Krankenheit said, who usually sticks to falsetto Beyonce. “But then he just stayed up there.” The mystery singer sang five… … Keep Reading


Family Plans Vacation Same Weekend As String Cheese Incident In Town A-Fucking-Gain

By: Maximilian Stolte ATLANTA, GA—This spring, as countless families flee south for vacation to escape the cold winds of the north, one family in particular was looking forward to a little site seeing, rest and relaxation. What was waiting for the Watts family was anything but relaxing. For the third vacation in a row, the Wattses booked their hotel in close proximity to a String Cheese Incident show. James Watts, father, golfer, and CPA, says he could tell before even checking in to the hotel that yet another relaxing stay would be ruined. “I could smell the marijuana in the… … Keep Reading


Jesus Christ’s TOP TEN TUNEZ For The Coming Apocalypse

  By: Ross Childs ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE, USA — For millions of people on Earth, the first Sunday of April marks Easter, the celebration of The Resurrection of one Jesus Harriet Christ. This year, however, humanity is in for an Easter like no other as Christ himself returns to fight the Antichrist and his billion-strong demon horde for the ultimate smackdown: The Biblical Apocalypse. In preparation for the ACTUAL war to end all wars (Suck it, World War One), Jesus “Ready Savior One” Christ has given us the gift of badass tuneage on two stone tablets with built-in speakers. Here… … Keep Reading


Gateway Concert: Dave Matthews Band Could Lead Your Children To Dangerous Bands Like Phish

By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL—American rock band Dave Matthews Band, or as attendees of their seemingly benign concerts call them, “DMB”, is gearing up for their summer tour and once again unexpecting children will be exposed to the seeds of concert-going. On the surface, their concert events appear to allow fans to revisit nostalgic radio rock performed live by a wavering-voiced Dave Matthews. Below the surface and behind the clouds of one-hitter smoke lies something more sinister: a gateway to dangerous, life ruining jam bands like Phish or, heaven forbid, Dead and Company. Dave Matthews Band themselves aren’t entirely malevolent.… … Keep Reading

Beyonce Releases Voice Memo Of Shopping List; Goes Platinum

By: Ross Childs Chicago, IL – Fans rejoiced today when Beyonce Knowles released a new album consisting entirely of her listing items from her grocery shopping list. The album,titled, Banana Milk Eggs, is believed to be a conceptual continuation of her groundbreaking 2016 release, Lemonade. This new album leads to an eventual series of albums that music experts have already dubbed, “The Delicious Cycle.” The new work, a bold, awe-inspiring spoken word style with absolutely no music, went double-platinum approximately fifteen minutes after its release. Banana Milk Eggs, or “BME,” features a number of catchy singles, not the least of… … Keep Reading


Counting Crows Spotted in Kansas, Counting Crows

By: Jennifer Allman HUTCHISON, KS–Beloved American rock band, Counting Crows, was spotted in Hutchinson, Kansas early last Sunday. The rock group was found outside of the Dutch Kitchen restaurant on Highway 61. All-time Counting Crows fan, Russell Richardson, paused as he parked his 2002 Toyota Tacoma (which is in pretty good condition, all things considered) and peered across the lot. Richardson moseyed over to inquire about the band’s presence. Says Richardson, “I figured they were a playin’ at Hutchinson High School’s Annual Turkey-in-the-straw Thanksgiving Day Square Dance. But I hadta ask ‘em myself.” Richardson approached and found the band standing… … Keep Reading


Mom Texting Son At Lollapalooza Doesn’t Know How To Interpret ‘I’m on LSD’

8/6/2017 By: Jason Elewski CHICAGO—Parents whose teens are attending Lollapalooza this weekend know a thing or two about keeping it real, but at least one local mom forgot to take her chill pill before letting her son attend the music fest. Despite the reassuring notion that hospitals are preparing for an influx of badass kids who have out-awesomed themselves this year, Lauren Wilkinson can’t stop being a stick in the mud after receiving at text update from her son, which stated that he was “on LSD”. Lauren felt at ease for a moment, assuming that her baby boy was heading… … Keep Reading


Was The Grateful Dead’s Music Influenced By Drugs? Shocking New Evidence Suggests Yes

6/20/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Over 50 years ago, rock and roll innovators The Grateful Dead stepped on to the scene and, through improvisational jams and heavy touring, changed the music industry as we knew it. Once lauded as the most wholesome and family friendly band of their time, shocking new evidence shows that their music may have been influenced by the use of illegal drugs. While other bands and musicians were openly involved in drug culture, The Grateful Dead was all about the music. Rather than some after effect of heavy drug use, their music was the product of ideals… … Keep Reading

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