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Business/Politics/Social

Facebook Promises More Options For Interested Warmongers

By: Zachary Hacker MENLO PARK, CA—Today at a Facebook shareholders meeting, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced new features to optimize the platform’s outreach. They have heard the cries of warmongers and extremists around the world, each one begging for ease of service and more support for their message. Facebook showcased three new features and promised, “We are here to help.” The first feature discussed was a way to streamline exactly what your [warmongers] target audience sees. Zuckerberg says that for genocidal maniacs to get the most out of their manifesto, you can take down those posts that offer alternative facts to… … Keep Reading

Zuckerberg Releases Nightmarish Trove Of Trump Dick Pics In Failed Attempt To Win Back Public Support

By: Simon Tessmer PALO ALTO, CA—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has released thousands of photographs of the president’s ugly penis in the hopes of capitalizing on anti-Trump sentiment and improving his public image. Despite tepid, perfunctory support from the Men’s Rights Activism movement, Zuckerberg has earned near-universal criticism and embroiled the globe in debilitating nausea.   “Our data from the past year indicated a widespread interest in Donald Trump’s sexual transgressions,” Zuckerberg explained in his home office. “The terms ‘Trump’ and ‘penis’ appeared in users’ texts, emails, and phone conversations at a markedly increased rate since Stormy Daniels’ book was published.… … Keep Reading

Local/Social

Sexual Predator Posting After 6 Month Hiatus Must Think Coast Clear

By: Madeleine Russell Chicago, IL—After being outed as a super-predator in November of last year, Dave Fisher disappeared from all social media, removed his website, and moved to an entirely different city. This seemed like an uncharacteristically wise choice from a man who had boldly molested women under the radar for the better part of his adult life. Chicagoans breathed a sigh of relief, anticipating a future void of his “no holds barred, tell it like it is” comedic internet presence. “We were just starting to recover from years of having access to his daily observations while he lived his… … Keep Reading

Local/Social

Facebook Friend You Don’t Give A Shit About Marked Safe From National Disaster

By: Madeleine Russell Chicago, IL -Local social media user, Kyle Perry, known to his twitter followers as @BoneZone84, had just finished his commute when an unusual notification sound bellowed from his smart phone. “I thought maybe it was an Amber Alert,” remarked Perry in the moment. No doubt a harrowing, unfamiliar experience in a predictable electronic world. Upon closer inspection, Perry discovered that Josh Duvall had been “marked safe” on facebook in the recent fatal tragedy in San Antonio. More shocking was the realization that Perry was still facebook friends with Josh Duvall at all. Duvall had Perry had crossed… … Keep Reading

Local/Social

Drunk Man “Likes” All Of Crush’s Most Recent Facebook Posts

10/12/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte PITTSBURGH, PA—At 4AM this morning, Luke Melson logged onto Facebook and scrolled through his newsfeed. As he breezed past the memes, videos, and articles, something caught his attention: a picture of Anna Jackson, who is both his high school and current crush. Sources say the two haven’t talked much since high school, and even then they didn’t talk all that much. Those closest to Luke revealed that his infatuation with Anna was one of his biggest secrets, one they would never tell the public. However, they were willing to talk to reporters about it after he… … Keep Reading

Local/Social

Man’s Family Held Hostage Until He Posted 10 Concerts He’s Seen And Made One of Them a Lie

5/2/2017 By: Jason Elewski BRECKSVILLE, OH—With the click of a button, a family was saved from a tragic fate. Dylan Haywood, 34, an avid opponent of all Facebook list games, woke up this past Wednesday to a devastating email with his morning coffee. “I just thought everyone was sleeping in, ya know, that is until I opened this weird message,” said Haywood via Twitter. The message in question turned out to be a ransom note from the still unknown assailants. Their demands? That Haywood participate in the Facebook trend in which people list ten bands that they have seen live… … Keep Reading

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