By: Maximilian Stolte
CHICAGO, IL—Early this morning, just before he enjoyed his breakfast, a single man named Jason Dimond cleaned just enough dirty dishes that had been sitting in his sink to cook his meal. The ever-filled sink of dirty silverware, plates, and bowls was momentarily relieved of some mess while he cooked and ate his meal. Promptly following his meal, however, the sink was just as full as before.
Jason has been cleaning and using his kitchenware in this manner ever since the break up. There was once a time when his girlfriend would berate him with names and refuse to sleep over until his apartment conditions were considered “livable”. Now that he is single, Jason enjoys the squalor that he has the freedom in which to live. The ants, or as he calls them his “little buddies”, offer all of the companionship that this man needs now.
“Let’s say I want to make some pasta. I’m going to have to clean the strainer, a couple pots, a big spoon to stir with, a fork, and a plate or bowl. Sure, I could clean them right after I use them, but then my pasta would get cold. Once I’m done eating, there’s really no reason to clean them until I get hungry again,” Jason explained, washing a single spoon so he could eat some yogurt.
There are other life hacks that the new bachelor has used that he is proud of. “Don’t make your bed until you’re sure somebody else is going to end up in it. It’s only going to get unmade the next night you sleep in it!” Jason told reporters that he hasn’t made his bed since the break up. “Laundry? I’ll do it when all of my clothes are dirty, but then again you can just go to the bottom of the pile and most of the stink has worn off those clothes by then.”