By: Danny Neary
LOS ANGELES, CA—After years of bad news surrounding the current climate change crisis scientists believe there may finally be a reason to feel hopeful. This week University of California Los Angeles discovered that, despite the severity of the climate change situation, there may still be time to save the planet from global warming for Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and all your other favorite really rich people.
Previously, scientists had believed that the only hope for the planet was to massively change our society, restrict capitalism, and penalize the corporations responsible for the destruction of our planet. However, it is now believed that this won’t be necessary as no matter how bad climate change may appear, the incredibly wealthy will still have enough money to make sure they’re far enough away from the newly homeless that they can continue chuckling at The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel in peace.
After leading the study that came to this uplifting conclusion UCLA scientist Ben Grady stated, “It just goes to show that even when it appears you’re doomed things can still work out as long as you are extremely wealthy, privileged, and masturbated in a coffin at Yale.” Despite this hopeful news, Grady stated there is still a lot of work to be done. Adding that we all need to do our part to lower our carbon footprint, recycle, and stop using straws so that the planet will be as livable as possible for the few surviving billionaires, their Instagram influencer kids, and the people who found the treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence.
With all the stories of rising sea levels and natural disasters in the news recently, activists and progressives are doing everything they can to change laws and demand action on climate change. For those committed to making a difference in any way they can scientists are advising that they instead put their energy towards learning to code, invading an oil rich country, or being written into a wealthy dowagers will.