By: Jake Dierksheide
SANTA’S COTTAGE, NORTH POLE – “Aw no, aw geez, I KNEW Asia and Africa went way too quickly!” Kris Kringle exclaimed as he pulled his reindeer into their stable. Upon returning from a long Christmas Eve of delivering presents around the world, the man affectionately referred to as ‘Santa’ was mortified to find that his bag of toys was almost entirely full of undelivered gifts addressed to children of non-Christians. This marks the 244th Christmas in a row that this exact same mistake has been made.
Ramesh Romperla, a Hindu resident of Hyderabad India, laments this fact to our reporters. “Every Christmas Eve I tuck my children into bed and watch with a heavy heart as they go on and on about all of the wonderful presents that will be waiting for them in the morning. They make cookies and hang their stockings, and set an alarm for 6:00 a.m. so they don’t miss a second of the magic of Christmas morning. Some years I even begin to believe he will come myself.”
A letter written by Ramesh’s daughter Lakshmi tells Santa that she forgives him him for missing their house in the past, but that she spent all year on her best behavior so that she’d be the top of the Nice List, in the hopes that he wouldn’t forget. This letter remained sealed when Lakshmi and her brother Gopal descended the stairs at 6:02 on Christmas morning. Our press team was unable to get a response for an interview from Lakshmi, though gentle sobs could be heard coming from her room.
“He means well” said Mrs. Claus, who has remained a staunch defender of Kris through his years of controversy. “He just gets so caught up in the moment that mistakes are sure to be made. He’s 1600 years old, we can’t blame him for being a little forgetful.” Mrs. Claus had no comment about the crucifix tightly fastened around her neck or “He is Risen” wall decal that decorated her cottage.
By the end of the evening, Santa had only successfully given out a paltry 7.51% of the total amount of toys that his elven staff had spent the entirety of this year toiling away on. The remaining gifts were logged one by one, and placed into a staggering pile in the courtyard of Santa’s North Pole campus. Once the last gift had been accounted for, the mountain was unceremoniously set ablaze.
The elves stood stone-faced watching the towering inferno with complete dispassion as millions of toy trucks, dolls, video game consoles, and would-be family pets turned to ash before them. They remained motionless until the last flame petered out before them, at which point they promptly returned to their workshop to begin work on next year’s haul, leaving behind what had become nothing more than a pile of coal.