By: Jack Hutsey
SKOKIE, IL—Throwing back Platinum Margaritas and Rosé carafes at the California Pizza Kitchen at the Westfield Old Orchard Mall in Skokie, three women caught sight of a modern marvel as Terry Farkle, 32, parked his 1997 Mitsubishi Mirage. “Once I saw it was a subcompact car with no hubcaps and a stuffed Garfield hanging up in the rear windshield, I immediately knew this guy was packing some serious pants heat. I mean, a real knee tapper. That’s probably why he was wearing cargo shorts, for the extra storage,” said Juliet Friese, the alpha queen of the three patio drinkers, a total Carrie.
As Farkle exited his car, several empty Mountain Dew Code Red tall boys fell out onto the blacktop of the parking lot. “Seeing all that sex appeal in a sixteen ounce can sent me into a hot flash,” said Marcy Chapman, the cerebral one, a real RBG. “He must be using all that Code Red for short-term fuel after a tantric, Sting-esque fuckfest. The kind that would make Wilt Chamberlain look like a quick draw minuteman. I bet he would Pokémon Go down on me for seconds, maybe minutes.” Farkle walked past the ravenous pack of women into the Planet of the Vapes Smoke Shop. “Jesus, did you see the barbecue stains on his Babylon 5 shirt? Red meat is the only thing that satiates that beast,” said April Wiedersaul, the Uncle Joey lush of the group. “He must have fiveskin. It probably hangs lower than his chain wallet.”
“You know, this is a real teachable moment on why we need the metric system in this country: to accurately measure the gorging gear of our young male heroes.” The scene culminated in Skokie’s first recorded female-to-male catcalling with Wiedersaul shouting she would “ride him like Epona from Ocarina Of Time”.